Sae's Short Stories

Being 20-something

2007-07-23T22:24:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

As words of wisdom are being passed around friends who are in their 20s, I would like to share this with you since sharing is caring..

Being 20-something: They call it the “Quarter-life Crisis.”

"It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realising that there are many things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like.You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you
are now.

You start realising that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have
lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don’t recognise is that they are realising that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused
as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realising that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that
scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realise that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realise that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Perhaps you love someone who doesn’t love you back, or worse yet, loves someone else. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren’t a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself… and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realise is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out."

Toast to all those in their 20s. We may fear that we are alone but fear not, as we are not alone as we may think we are. We just choose not to address and admit to ourselves and others that we too are in a state of confusion as the guy in his 20s sitting next to us.

Signing off,
Sae

They

2007-07-11T01:37:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

How do you remain positive about people? I used to think that there is no good or bad people. They don't fall into an "either.. or'' distinction. Some people may seem to be 'good' but they may feel 'bad' inside. Others may seem to be 'bad' but you may find that they are 'good' in the end. You may have good and bad feelings inside of you, but in the end you decide to choose on whether to act upon the good or the bad instinct and your actions follow on which one you choose to act on.

You put your trust in people. They, either hold that trust with care or they crush it with a single blow. Once the trust is broken, you can no longer fix what you broke and you can't fix what's broken.You would think that good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. You may find that you can read some people like the back of a book without even turning the pages and reading the book and you may also find that some people are very capable of surprising you in ways that you could never imagine or predict.

They, whom I called my friends have turned their backs on me. They, who thought in the namesake of friendship extended and offered their help but took it away when in time of need. They, who you may have opened up to, decide to leave you because they, themselves could not help themselves; let alone be there for you. They, can no longer deal with you. They, who have given up on you are friends who you laugh with but never friends whom you can cry with.They have disappointed me by mis-judging by a mile off. They affected me by passing judgments that even acquaintances of mine would find these judgments to be quite shocking. They, who I have offered the solidarity and comfort of my home have twisted my arm from the back when both of my legs have already been broken. They, who I have sheltered and sought to give help when they were in need have angered me and hence, now I am in a position where I question myself: was it worth it going all the way and out of your way for people who later shrugs it off and tells you that you are who you are, you have become what you've become, and the situation that you are now in is all because: You made the wrong choices. You chose to become like this. You put yourself in this situation and it is you, that is to be blamed for and you, and you alone need to sort yourself out.

I tell myself that I shall not be bitter, being bitten by them. After all, in times like these it helps to recall that there have always been times like these. People are capable of surprising you, no doubt about it. It makes you think though, how selfish people are. One day, they can tell you that they'll be there for you and the next day, they take back their words. Do you not think that the best way to keep your word is not to give it in the first place?. I do not expect sympathy. I do not even expect them to help, let alone offer to lend an ear to hear me out. In fact, I try to understand where they're coming from and the reasons behind what they've done. But there are some form of code of conduct for us to live with one another, to function as a society as a whole and where friendship is at stake: How can you forgive when one belittles the other? Of course, if you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. But if you make them really think, they will hate you. People don't respond well to negative comments and criticisms. I agree. You tell yourself that people should look into the mirror before passing out judgments about others. And you know that if people have time to talk about you ( not just as a passing remark but really condone about what you do and who and what you are) then you know that they don't really have much going on in their lives, that they have time to mind about other people's matters.

Am I fed up with the people in the world that I live in? Do I accept that each of us have our own flaws and act nonchalant, just shrug it off and let the whole thing slide? Should I really be bothered about this and just continue to not care and don't give a damn about those who don't give a damn about me either. Should I even be wasting my energy thinking about this? Or have I gone numb? I have come to a conclusion that -"The universe is not hostile, no yet is it friendly. It is simply indifferent."

Same old, same old. I rant, I scream. But then, I choose to believe that I have yet to lose hope and faith in people. I firmly believe that I may find people that are worthy of your time and conversations. I refuse to accept that it is rare to find myself in such circumstances. As I am still young, I will meet more people from different walks of life, interesting people and people who will intrigue me. I formed a resolve that there is a need to widen the parameters and radius of the world that I live in, to be out there and to seek opportunities to meet others who may be so different by appearance but intellectually and emotionally, we may find ourselves on the same or parallel wavelength. I want to believe and I will try to keep believing in people.

I guess at the end of the day, the saying: "What others think of us would be of little moment did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves" holds true. Even the song "They" by Jem can't seem to cheer me up.

Who made up all the rules
We follow them like fools
Believe them to be true
Don't care to think them through

And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

And it's ironic too
Coz what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way

And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this

Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss

Who are they
And where are they
And how do they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this

Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss

And who are they
And where are they
And how can they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

So much for trying to be an optimist. But hey, the nice part of being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

Signing off,
Sae

Believe in Fairy Tales

2007-07-08T01:21:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

"A long time ago, in the underground realm, where there are no lies or pain, there lived a Princess who dreamed of the human world. She dreamed of blue skies, soft breeze, and sunshine. One day, eluding her keepers, the Princess escaped. Once outside, the brightness blinded her and erased every trace of the past from her memory. She forgot who she was and where she came from. Her body suffered cold, sickness, and pain. Eventually, she died. However, her father, the King, always knew that the Princess' soul would return, perhaps in another body, in another place, at another time. And he would wait for her, until he drew his last breath, until the world stopped turning."-'Pan' in Pan's Labyrinth

A film that is downright extraordinary. Brutal but beautiful, magical yet earthy. A story about a young girl and the fantasy world she created, to survive the harsh reality.This movie reminds me of how as a child, I used to dream a lot and make up stories and play the plot out like a movie in my head. My grandmother used to tell me that if I was playing by myself, she could hear me talking to myself playing different characters in different tone of voices which used to freak her out. She used to tell my mother that I should stop reading the books that I read because the stories feed my imagination and she worries that I may grow up living in fantasy land instead of accepting reality as it is as I enter into adulthood. To me, Pan's Labyrinth shows us how children immerse themselves in their own fairy tales as a form of escapism to survive the real world to which they are not prepared for. Now, as adults, we have forgotten this ability of ours when we were young - to make up stories as a means to release our stress and as a means to let ourselves dream away.. to believe in something other than the cruel harsh fate that descends upon us in our everyday lives where we keep reminding ourselves to 'reality check' or the dull, monotonous routine that we can't seem to run away from. As adults, we disregard the power of believing in something, the ability to dream: dismissing it as insignificant, just mindless and unnecessary thoughts that could not contribute to helping us solve our problems at hand.

Another movie that I expected to be a weird horror/supernatural thriller but turns out to be, well more of a fairy tale although it does have supernatural elements is Lady in the Water. The plot of the movie is based on a bedtime story M. Night Shyamalan wrote for his kids. The theme of "finding your purpose" definitely is poignant in this day and age and although the simple storyline may be too slow for some, this film is more for the introspective crowd and I love all the self reflexive humour as far as story structure goes. The storyline unravels itself in a fairy tale, connecting each character to their 'purpose' to the aim of the fairy tale. Each character plays out a role, contributing their efforts into producing an outcome.

In our modern day, we forget that we could use the form of fairy tales for various reasons. Fairy tales should not meant to be only conformed to bedtime stories that our parents read to us when we were children. We can examine the human condition from the simple framework a fairy tale provides. We can create a sense of fantasy in a contemporary light. I'm not saying that we should all start fantasizing and become dreamers. As we grow older, can we not seek joy in believing in fairy tales as a momentary relapse from reality? Don't we dare to dream anymore? Can we not restore hope and faith within the remits of negativity, stress, paranoia and too many doses of 'realistic' shots that we have set upon ourselves? Have we lost all senses of 'belief'?

To believe that there could be a 'happily ever after' or a happy ending may seem a far-fetched idea for most of us. We can never know what the future may hold for us. What we could look forward to is restoring hope and faith, not that our lives may turn out as-simple-as-like the fairy tales that we've read, watched or heard about but we could pick out the underlying features in each fairy tale and digest these 'lessons to be learned' not only at face value, but relate them in realistic terms. Believe in keeping it simple, that life comes down to enjoying the simple bits and pieces that we tend to overlook in a myriad of complexities that we face everyday. We can relate our problems and lay them out in a plot of a fairy tale to give it some 'boost' and shed some form of positive perspective in light of the problems. For example, in the movie Crash:there is a scene where the dad tells his daughter, a child so young who already stop believing in what we used to believe when we were kids (tooth fairies, santa clause and little monsters under your bed) a story to ease her mind about gunshots, an element of her reality check on the real world where she learns to acknowledge and accept them at such a young age. The dad told her that:
One day, a fairy came to see him...,"She had these little stubby wings, like she could've glued them on, you know, like I'm gonna believe she's a fairy. So she said, "I'll prove it." So she reaches into her backpack and pulls out this invisible cloak and she ties it around my neck. And she tells me that it's impenetrable. You know what impenetrable means? It means nothing can go through it. No bullets, nothing. She told me that if I wore it, nothing would hurt me. And I did. And my whole life, I never got shot, stabbed, nothing. I mean, how weird is that?".

Sometimes, we can tell ourselves that it's ok to make up stories so that we can believe in them if it results in a positive outcome. Why the long-winded story about fairy tales and believing in them? I, sometimes have this negative idea that we, men are alone in this world. Then, I learned that is not true. We are all connected. One act on one day can affect us all. According to Anais Nin, 'we don't see things as they are but rather as we are..'

Recently, one person has opened my eyes to other possibilities. He restored my sense of 'belief'. Since I met him, I've been trying to keep a positive perspective. I may have started believing in utter nonsense stories that my mind is excellent at making but at least, when I try to keep my mind open; it is possible for me to create a whole new world for myself. That said, maybe I should start on a 'negativity fast'. That's another story for another day.

Anyway, happy birthday to that 'Not-your-average-ape-man' who left quite a footprint in my life. Here's an inside joke for you:

(A scene from Lady in the Water)
[Harry Farber] : This is like a scene out of a horror movie.
"Hello? Is the bathroom on this level working? A dog inside the building! Go! Shoo! Why you're not a dog at all. My God, this is like a moment from a horror movie. This is precisely the moment where the mutation or beast will attempt to kill an unlikable side character. But, in stories where there has been no prior cursing, violence, nudity or death, such as in a family film, the unlikable character will escape his encounter, and be referenced later in the story, having learned valuable lessons. He may even be given a humorous moment to allow the audience to feel good about him. This is where I turn to run. You will leap for me, I will shut the door, and you will land a fraction of a second too late."
[Turns to run, is killed by wolf]

I'll leave you with a story on how a massive difference one small action can make. And how, even for a short while, how another's presence and perspective can affect one's own.

Signing off,
Sae

"A man was walking along a beach, reflecting on his life. he had always wanted to make a difference, but no matter what he tried, he wound up feeling as though he was spitting into the wind.
Suddenly, the man heard a loud 'crunch', and looked down at his feet. Right where he was standing, and for as far as the eye could see in either direction, there were thousands upon thousands of tiny starfish washed up onto the shore by the ocean and tide.
The man continued walking, thinking to himself about the apparent cruelty of the ocean. After all, those starfish hadn't done anything wrong! Yet before the day was done, they would be dead washed up on shore and left to die.
After a time, the man came across an old woman standing at the ocean's edge, throwing starfish that had washed up on shore back into the sea. When he asked her what she was doing, she said she had always wanted to make a difference, and she had decided that today was a good day to begin.
The man looked from her to the thousands upon thousands of starfish that lay dying along the coastline and said, 'For every starfish you throw back into the ocean, three more wash up onto the shore! How can you possibly be making a difference?
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment, then she picked up another starfish and threw it back into the sea. 'Made a difference to that one, 'she said and she smiled the most beautiful smile the man had ever seen."

A Stop For The Runaway Train?

2007-07-07T18:49:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same

-Runaway Train by Soul Asylum

Compare and contrast: 2 girls, A and B comes from two different worlds. First met when they were 12 years old. They lived 2 minutes away from one another. 'A' was fair, black curly hair and a pretty face. 'B' had a face that looked like she was the young Princess of Froggy Land. They were different in many ways. Let's just say that they were polar opposites of one another, both physically and personality. 'A' usually don't get along with people who are opposites of her. But 'B' is an exception. They were not best friends but they remained close.

At the age of 18, they realised that their friendship was closer than they thought it would be. Mind you, 6 years have passed; being in different schools and going through different life experiences have brought them closer than ever. 'A' met a guy that 'B' detested, 'C'. Did 'A' listen to 'B's advice to stay away and not be friends with him? Nooooo..... Fast forward to another 6 years, 'A' and 'B' are all grown up. On this very day, 'A' is tying the knot to 'C'. On the other side of the continent, 'B' wishes that she could be there to share the happy day with 'A' and 'C'. They've been through a lot and 'B' had witnessed how they first started, how their friendship evolved into the love that they share and how both of them have triumphed over their ups and downs throughout the 6 years (well, OK- almost 6 years) that they have been through together.

'B' loves 'A' dearly. She could not have survived the summer of 2005 without 'A's help. 'B' has always looked up to 'A' and could not help but to wonder what 'A' sees in 'C'. Throughout the 6 years that 'A' and 'C' had been together, 'B' has always been and still is like a 'runaway train'. Whilst both of them remained true and loyal to each other (with a few hiccups here and there), 'B' has had real-life drama that is enough for the 3 of them to handle. Haha. They don't need a child, yet. 'B' is more like a child to them. And that is a lot to handle.

As 'B' finally realises that her best friend, 'A' is now a Missus.. she can't help but to wonder that all this time, 'A' had always been two steps behind her; offering support and consultation for free.. But now, she wonders if she could ever catch up to 'A' who is not 1 but 2 phases ahead in front of her in this lifetime. Maybe, it is time to stop the drama that the runaway train lives her life for, rushing by and through each platform without even thinking that maybe it is time to STOP and halt. Now, that 'B' is taking a breather, she knows finally what makes 'A' and 'C' click. A lot of time has passed, a lot of compromise and understanding has been laid down to build a solid foundation to what we call dating and a lot of trust, respect and insecurity issues have been dealt with before they could even consider that they were ready for the life-long commitment that they were looking for. 'C' as 'A' would call it, is an investment for the future, an investment where he is willing to commit to her and take care of her needs, willing to share a life together and willing to be that man for her. As a friend once told me, men are capable of cutting out their losses. If they see a girl as profitable (as an investment), they are more willing to keep the relationship and invest in that relationship. If however, the results are not as satisfactory or desirable; then they will figure out how to cut the losses. If all fails with that investment (the girl), then they will seek to eliminate the problem and invest elsewhere.

That's what I've learned from associating with bankers. Evaluate every angle. Analyse every aspect. Therefore, a relationship is an investment and marriage is a business worth investing depending on the relationship. 'B' being the runaway train just dives right into it without any analysis on how the outcome may be. As 07/07/07 is a brand new beginning for the Mr and Mrs, maybe it is a new beginning for 'B' to stop being the runaway train....
Start thinking before reacting!

Best wishes to the newly married couple.

Signing off,
Sae

Is Love Truly A Game?

2007-06-26T23:01:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

Following the article that I've previously posted, I've decided to write this entry. Many perceive life itself as a game. That is why we have books such as Rules of Life, Rules of War and Rules of Power. I personally view life as a stageshow, be it a musical as the setting or a play that has the elements of drama, horror and comedy with us, people as actors; each playing its own role in the play. Some may not know that love also involves certain rules of a game. Some may say that love isn't like playing Starcraft, Warcraft, Pro-Evo or whatever that you, game addicts or game lovers like to get your hands on or more likely, your minds to tackle the intricacies of the mechanism of the game that you play. But others who are schemers themselves may beg to differ.

For me (although I am not a game player, myself), Love can actually be a game that requires greater precision and planning. In the dating game, after a first date - a guy should not call the girl straight away as he may be giving 'desperate' signals to the other. Or there is a so-called rule that the guy should call the girl within 3 days following the first date to show interest in arranging a second date with the girl. In love, there is a game of power; a manipulation of emotions to control the mind of the players in it. We can call love a game where when one who displays affection first to the other gives up total control in the dating game and therefore, it may seem that he/she goes around in that relationship like a dog on a collar or a leash. Other actions that may show-tell signs that one gives up his/her total control are: when you are the one that calls first and the other ALWAYS hangs up before you do. Or when both of you are together, you as the girl will ALWAYS run to him and come looking for him. Or when it comes to birthdays and anniversaries, you are ALWAYS the one remembering the dates and 'memories' and also the one giving gifts to him. Can this be you?

As the girl in the so-called love relationship, what are the consequences of giving up total contol in the relationship firsthand? What if we fall foul of the 10 mistakes women commonly make with men like in the article below? We may find ourselves dealing with the consequences of losing the game and being a victim of dating without self-respect. As a result, we may always find ourselves being treated like trash by men and the worst of it all, what if we end up growing old all by ourselves without A companion? OH Tidaaaaaaakkkkkkkk!!!! ( God forbid!). For some women, however a sceptic we may be; we tend to have glorified versions of the meaning of true love. Some may say, that it is like being hit in the heart by a bullet. Ouch! (not for me..) The general view is that true love, ok - let's omit the word 'true' here. Love may come to a meaning as to sharing your hearts, companionship so that we are not lonely and to be warm, happy and fuzzy-like. That sort of a thing. Therefore, some of us can say:
What's wrong with admitting that I Love him?
What's wrong with calling or wanting to see him because I am worried?
What's wrong with wanting to do EVERYTHING for him?

Those of us who have learnt the rules of the game in love may say:
'Love, romance sounds great when you're young. But later, we learn that money is love and money is romance'. AND when all is lost due to our ignorance or lack of knowledge with regards to the rules of the game, we are now seeking to regain the self respect that we have lost and instead of looking for the one, true love - we are looking for a love without losing our self respect. Are men right in saying that at times, women are at fault that things or the situation turned out the way it did? Did we, as women did not know how to play the game with our minds and wit to secure the man, pique his interest and remain some parts of ourselves mysterious in order to keep them on their toes and play the guessing game on figuring us out throughout the whole duration of the relationship? If so, were we at fault when men feel suffocated by us for not giving them space? Or being too nice to them 'til we've become boring and make them go astray? Or were we too overwhelming in giving our love and affection? Hence, when we relate this to ourselves, we think - 'Am I not worthy of any man's love?' when we should be thinking that these men just weren't the right men for us.
So, how do we play by the rules of the game in love? To play by the rules of the dating game? To ensure that it is not our fault this time if this relationship fails? How do we bring them down to their knees for them to beg us to stay?

Some pointers (but don't quote me on this!) :
Don't always be available. Don't always pick up his calls. If he really wants to see you then he will call you until you answer.
Don't pay on dates. Make him pay. Although in 'A lot like love', don't always assume that he will pay and at least make a reach for your purse or a slight gesture. Haha
All these smiles, compliments and gestures that you are giving out to him are only feeding on his ego. If he already has a big ego, you need to deflate it with some shock therapy and you get the upperhand.
Having sex so early on while you're dating is like handing him the control of the game. When you have sex, as women - all feelings go mushy and your logic goes out of the window.
Hence, if you want to be treated as a queen, then act like one. How you train your opponent is really up to you.

No pain, no gain right? Manipulation in playing the game can be fun and thrillingly, exciting at first but sometimes, it can get tiring and kinda hard to maintain the level where you must always be ahead in the game so that you can proceed to the next level. Sometimes, I think to myself: What if with manipulating people, we lose the pleasure of an honest conversation? Why use manipulation if we can't discover one's true feelings? Can we truly be happy in that sort of a relationship? Is Love truly a game, then? In order to play and abide by the rules of the game, we may find ourselves in a dilemma of internal conflict of emotions. Past experiences, our ego and our logical, rationale thinking tells us that we should play the game. As women, no matter how we try to act using our minds; our actions are always controlled by the matters of the heart and when it comes to that, we can never win.
The matters that we consider can be:
Instead of calculating on what is my next move, I want to be honest.
Instead of receiving one end of the guy's persistence to find the key to the locked gates of my heart, I want to give.
Instead of hiding them, I want to let him know and let out all of my feelings.
AND I want to be that Pleasure Bunny ( not in an erotic sense!) that makes him happy. Not the one that nags, whines, complains and brings him down when he's feeling low, but the one whom he comes home to happily because I (tak banyak songeh , not easy kay!!) just don't make life a miserable living hell-hole for him. And it makes me happy when he's all smiles.

Are we still in the game then? Or is it GAME OVER for me now?
One thing for sure, just for the sake of playing the game; I don't want to be the girl that you see who is ANYTHING but a happy person just because I am playing the game regardless on whether I'm on top of my game or what the score may be.

Signing off,
Sae

A WORD OF ADVICE - In playing the game, bear this in mind:
"Words do not always express one's feelings. Read the eyes. People can lie with their words but not with their eyes.."

Does this interest you?

2007-06-26T22:50:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,
This is some random article from a man's perspective that I found over the internet. I have a post following this article and you can understand why I've posted this article for you to read.

10 Mistakes Women Make With Men - "The Ten Most Dangerous Mistakes YOU Probably Make With Men. And What To Do About It...”

Here Are The Top Ten Reasons Why Women Keep Themselves From Living The Love Life Of Their Dreams— And How To Make Sure You Avoid Every One Of Them...

MISTAKE #1: Betting Your Love Life On His “Potential”
Do you know any women who want the man they're dating to behave differently? Of course you do. And just like me, I'm sure you have friends who date guys who don't have much going for them or who don't treat them very well. Somehow these women always have an excuse for the guy's shortcomings.

What's going on here? It's actually very simple.Women (and men) don't base their choices of men on how “nice” or “good” someone is to them day-to-day. Women choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them.

And guess what? Some women will continue to put up with a guy that doesn't treat them very well. Sometimes for months or years...But why in the world would a woman do that!?
Well, to put it simply, they confuse the strong attraction they feel for the guy with a deeper “connection”. Women who do this are doomed to end up in failed relationships with the “wrong” guys.

How do I know? Because I've seen it at least a hundred times...And because I've been this guy in the past myself. Thinking back on past dating and relationships I've had, I was selfish and didn't offer much. I'm amazed that these women put up with me. But they did...all the while hoping that I would somehow change. The women I dated hoped I'd change. The only thing they saw in me that led them to want to keep me around was the “potential” they saw in me to share my feelings and communicate with them. The potential for something better and the potential for me to change and be a better lover, boyfriend, companion or whatever...The truth was, I was hopelessly bad at these things at the time.

And more importantly, I wasn't even at a place in my life where I knew how to or was interested in developing a deep and committed relationship - with ANYONE. But deep down these women believed that if they tried hard enough, that it would make up for what was lacking. They believed that I could become someone else with them.... and that this would be easy for us both. Talk about a losing battle. It doesn't make a lot of “logical” sense... But until you accept that lots of women do this AND that YOU could be doing it on some level, you'll NEVER have the success with men that you choose and want.

MISTAKE #2: Assuming You “Get” Men & Their Psychology
Men are different from women. You need to accept this fact, and deal with it. When a woman sees a man, she can very quickly pick apart certain things about his style, body language, status and character that will tell her all kinds of things about him. Lots of women don't even consciously see that they do this because the process is so obvious and simple for them.

But does the same apply for men? As you probably already know, men are generally more visual. As a result, they often don't understand non-verbal communication as well as women. And men often lack what women have in emotional awareness and “intuition”. Women don't seem to remember this about men.

So do men feel sexually attracted to w0men based just on looks? Or is something else going on? Well, after studying this topic for years now, and talking to thousands of men and women, I can tell you that men have their “attraction mechanisms” triggered by things OTHER than looks. Especially when it comes to longer term relationships. Looks just happen to be the most obvious way... But looks are NOT the most powerful.

If you know how to use your body language AND communication correctly, you can make men feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see that hot, great looking guy that you got to know. But it's not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this. And ANY woman can learn how...

MISTAKE #3: Pretending To Be Something For A Man
In the desire to please a man, women are constantly doing things to get a man's attention, to get him to like them or to make him more attracted or in love with them. Another HORRIBLE idea. Lots of women mistakenly think that doing unusual things to try and get a guys attention will make him magically see what a great catch they are and want to be with them.

Wrong. Men YOU TRULY WANT are never attracted to the types of women who kiss up to them, make weak plays for affection or complain to get what they want... EVER. Don't get me wrong here. Things like being sexy for a man or encouraging him to share his feelings can be good, but it has to be genuine, unselfish, and most of all timely.

You don't have to act like an “easy” woman for men to like you, and you certainly don't have to play like he's some gift to the Earth. Doing these things actually works to subtly, at a subconscious level, lower your social status with a man, which has EVERYTHING to do with how he sees you as a woman. So if you think that making him more attracted to you means “playing to the man's fantasies” from the start, think again. You'll never succeed by looking for a man's approval, finding your way into his heart through sex and not being yourself.

MISTAKE #4: Sharing How You “Feel” Too Early With Him
Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most women make with men is sharing how they “feel” too early on.
Listen...
Attractive, single, successful men are rare. They get a LOT of attention from women. Most women don't realize this, but attractive men are being approached in one way or another all the time by women. And guess what? Attractive men have usually dated a lot of women. That's right. They have EXPERIENCE. They know what to expect.

And one thing that turns an attractive man off and sends him running away faster than just about anything... It's a woman who starts saying “You know, I really, REALLY like you” after one or two dates. This signals to the man that you're just like one of those “clingy” stereotype women who want to rush into a relationship and can't control yourself from wanting a man to fulfill them and complete their lives. This does NOT spell ATTRACTION for a man.
Don't do it. Lean back. Relax. There's a much better way...

MISTAKE #5: Misreading The Important “Signals” That Men Send
Men are constantly communicating how they feel about a woman and giving away big secrets about themselves. Most women don't pay attention to these signals or recognize them for what they really are.
The signals men send have 4 main levels:
1) Social: Where the man is at in his own life - stability, confidence, direction
2) Emotional: Whether or not he's “emotionally available”
3) Physical: If he's attracted to you... and for what reasons
4) Love State: If he's open to building and growing a relationship in the future
The funny thing is that men send signals in these areas completely by accident. That's great news to women... Men can't help it! You need to learn to recognise these signals to get anywhere serious with a man.

MISTAKE #6: Relying On Your Natural Ability To Judge A Man's Character
People aren't easy to figure out. Especially men. The last several years of my life I've spent hundreds of hours learning to understand people. I've studied peoples behaviour, “inner psychology” and more specifically how they think and act when they're dating.

From what I've seen, both men and women have their own secret ways of saying things. But you can only see these secret communications if you know what to look for. Women communicate with hints, body language, sarcasm, and flirting when they're first getting to know a man. They can either directly or indirectly let men know if they're open to something more serious.

Men are different. Men generally communicate with sarcasm, humour, cockiness and other “indirect” displays of status. VERY RARELY will a man be able to honestly communicate to a woman whether or not he's ready or capable of developing a meaningful relationship.

Aside from their sexual interests, men send very indirect signals about where they're at. If you don't know how to read through the signals men send, then you'll get the wrong message. Getting the wrong messages from men causes women more pain and heartache than any other issue around. You can avoid this pain if you learn to identify a good man from a bad one.

MISTAKE #7: Expecting A Relationship To Make You Happy
A mistake I've seen women make is thinking a guy will change her life and make her happy and fulfilled. And sure, there are situations and relationships where this happens. But those are the exceptions, not the rule. Nothing says “Run!” to a man faster than hearing or sensing that a woman immediately wants him to take care of her.

And the men who ARE looking for this kind of situation aren't exactly the most healthy, loving, nurturing people out there. Think, “controlling, macho, or serious Mom Issues!” So let me be clear...I think it's important that people help fulfill each other in their lives, whether it's dating, a relationship, whatever. But if a woman communicates that she's looking for a guy to take care of her, complete her, make her whole, and all that kind of stuff - it has a VERY negative effect on what the man will think of her. It doesn't have to be spoken by the woman either... If a woman thinks or feels this way, the man will see it and pick up on it, regardless. This is arguably the worst thing a woman can do early on when dating a man.

So what can you do as a woman?You can get the man interested and involved in your life in a more “natural” way, where he'll be motivated to make you care about your happiness and fulfillment on his own. This is the only way it really works for people - male or female. Self-motivation is much stronger than external motivation. But you have to know how to create this situation with a man... and it rarely happens by accident.

MISTAKE #8: Trying To “Convince” Him To Like You Or Love You
What do most women do when they meet a man that they REALLY like... but he's just not that interested or isn't as serious? Right! They try to “convince” the man to feel differently.
Well, I have news for you...

YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A MAN “FEELS” WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION! Never, ever, ever. You cannot convince a man to feel differently about you with “logic and reasoning”. Think about it. If a man doesn't “feel it” for you, how in the world do you expect to change that by being “reasonable” with him?

But we all do it. Men are the worst at this by the way. They're always complimenting women who don't like them and buying them gifts. Women like the behaviour sometimes, but it NEVER makes the woman like the man. She might enjoy what she gets out of it, but it doesn't change the way she FEELS about him. When a man just isn't interested, women will try and chase, compliment, convince and do their best to change his mind with logical and rational approaches. Bad idea. Another one that will never work.

MISTAKE #9: Not Knowing What To Do In Each Type Of Situation
A man has a clear idea of what he wants from a woman...
And I don't mean just sex. I know, it might be hard to believe, but if you're out on a date with a man, he already has an idea of what he wants from you. And if you don't know HOW to find this out, and you just sit there looking at him and flirting, or trying things you think will make him want you, he won't help! If you don't know what to do in each situation, you'll probably screw it up... and LOSE EVERYTHING.

MISTAKE #10: Not Getting Help
This is the biggest mistake of all. This mistake keeps women from EVER having the kind of success and finding the kind of man and relationship that they truly want. I know, you don't like to make yourself look weak or helpless. We usually don't like to ask for help.

***I am not the author of this article. Haha. Personally, I think MISTAKE #10 should be: REPEATING ALL OF THE ABOVE, AGAIN..and NOT LEARNING FROM YOUR MISTAKES!
Kai, DO you, as a MAN agree to this ARTICLE?! Haha.

Signing off,
Sae

The Story of LiLo the Cat

2007-06-22T00:31:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

There was once, lived a cat called Lilo. Fat, furry and lazy cat filled with love from those around her. She lived a happy, simple life. Eat, sleep, eat and well, sleep were her two most favourite things. She had no other reason for her existence but to live her life simply with content - except when she is hungry, she will try her very best to get things done her way: meow-ing and purr-ing 'til she is fed with her favourite food and being stroked and petted gently 'til she falls asleep. Enough to say, that Lilo was a Princess in her own right.

One day, she thought to herself that maybe, maybe somehow there must be better food, better sofas (comfy ones, to say the least) and better owners out there. So, she decided on her own to leave her current owner's place, seeking a better world befitting for a Princess-y cat like her. The other cats in her neighbourhood called her arrogant, foolish and ungrateful. But Lilo knew, that if she stayed at her current owner's place far too long, she herself may be complacent and before she grows any fatter 'til she can barely walk from the lounge to the kitchen, she should take the opportunity to leave while she can. And so, off she went..seeking what the world has to offer for a fat and lazy cat like her.

She walked far, as far as her little legs could carry her. She saw other cats like her, different shapes, different sizes and different characters. They may all be from the same feline family but they all had a different smell to them. She then, arrived at a huge city filled with a myriad of different kind of smells amidst the humans, animals and streets that composed the labyrinth of the huge City. There, she knew the meaning of life where only the fittest would survive - each cat to its own where there is neglect to co-operate with one another, each one fighting each other with one aim in mind: striving to find food to live in order to survive in this huge, merciless City.

Boy, she could hardly remember the comfort of her old home. How simple life was then. How life treated her better in that tiny world of hers. As a cat, Lilo would find herself attached to anyone who would offer her the comfort of their own home, their persistance of wanting to take her in to take care of her and their adamant self satisfying need to feed her. Like any cat, she would follow the lead of the one who insists on feeding her. After all, food makes a once-fat-but-now-not-so-fat cat grin happily that would beat a Cheshire Cat's smile hands-down. Nevertheless, each time when Lilo finds herself happy to be with a new owner; she finds herself at a new strange place where like previous owners she had been abandoned once again under the frightening street lamps at an unknown street to her. She waits and she waits for her owners to come and find her. Lilo thought to herself, maybe they have forgotten about her and maybe it was not their intention to abandon her. And so, she waits..

As for most nights since she came to this City, Lilo had the same recurring dream while sleeping between two garbage cans after a fulfilling meal, courtesy of that nice old man who owns a restaurant nearby. In her dream, Lilo finds herself in a huge field of tall grass. She walks and she walks until she finds herself in front of a path forked into two directions. Most nights, she would take the road leading to her right and she finds herself lost in the mountains, not being able to reach to the top. But tonight, she decided to take the road heading towards the left. She finds a wide lake in front of her, calm with still waters. Lilo had always been afraid of water. Although she used to pride herself in looking good for her owners, and hence she would clean herself regularly and try her best to be obedient when her owners force her to take those dreadful baths; she had always been afraid of baths, open waters (and alike) and the lake, to her- looked as if it could swallow her in with its dauntingly dark aura. She tried to touch the water with her tiny paw. Small ripples apear on the surface of the water. She looked into her reflection beneath the ripples and she saw how sad her eyes looked. In an instant, her eyes changed into eyes filled with utter venom and in a few minutes, her eyes became crystal clear..filled with innocence.

From that night onwards, Lilo kept having dreams about her standing by the side of the lake, looking at her own reflection. Her eyes seem to change as the ray of moonlight spill and cast its shadows over the stillness of water in the lake. Every night, it seems as if she is caught under a spell, unable to move, paralysed by the frightening fact that she no longer know whose eyes her reflection seems to belong to. Lilo did try her very best, each night moving an inch closer to the lake because she knows that she needs to overcome her fear and fright of water in order for her to discover what holds for her on the other side of the lake. She fears in despair that the ripples may swallow her in and with shock, she may not be able to remember how to swim and she shall drown into the unknown depths of the lake.

And therefore, she waits.. In her dream, she waits for a boat to come along, and help her to cross over the lake. In reality, she also waits with hope for a boat to come with a new owner, reaching out to her, extending an arm to take her in and care for her. She also waits for the people who have abandoned her previously so that she could ask them why, to understand their reasons for doing so. As reality and dreams become intertwined...
Lilo still waits.....hoping and waiting, but she still waits...

Kai, there may be no ending to this story. For all I know, in the story of Lilo the Cat, Lilo keeps waiting for her fear of water to cease and hoping that her wish that someone will take her in will come true...

To Lilo, this waiting period is like waiting for an Indian Summer - as Autumn arrives, there is a brief period of warmth; the last of Summer's warm breeze before a long stretch of cold months of Winter awaits. This is an Indian Summer and so, to speak: the Indian Summer that Lilo is looking for is a form of a brief period of warmth and happiness after a long-term of pain and suffering.

Signing off,
Sae

-I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.-

Being Self Reliant

2007-06-21T17:42:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

It's been awhile.. Here is an extract of a note, a friend once gave me..

"Sometimes you have to take a chance to be happy, Sae.
You need to have faith in yourself. You need to be confident enough that you've got the strength of character to the little voice inside you, the one that's whispering the real causes of your loneliness. Once you can understand why you're feeling so lonely, you can decide what you want to do about it.
The mere fact that you've had the courage to make a decision will instantly make you feel less alone. Because by doing so, you will discover one friend that will never leave you lonely..
YOURSELF."

Therefore, feeling lonely isn't really a bad thing, huh?

"Happiness is not a result - it's a state of mind and body..
The secret of being happy is not doing what one likes but liking what one does..."

To develop one's self reliance and belief in one's self: I might have to go through a bit of solitude to find someonelse who I'll feel a lot less lonely with - my own company. :)

Signing off,
Sae

Lost in Transition

2007-05-30T01:25:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

"There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
If it seems like I'm shining brightly
It's probably a reflection of something you already are
I forget about myself sometime
When there's so many other around
When deep inside you feel the darkest
That is where I can always be found
That is where I can always be found
That is where I can always be found

Just keep trying and trying
It's just a matter of timing
Though the grinding is tiring
Don't let 'em stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner or later you'll find it
It's surprising how inspiring
It is to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all i can see
and you sure look like a star to me

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
If you try to reach out an touch me
you'll see that I'm not really that far
I may not be the brightest nor am I the last one you’ll see
But as long as you notice, that’s just fine with me
Everything’s just fine with me
Everything’s just fine with me

Just keep trying and trying
It's just a matter of timing
Though the grinding is tiring
Don't let 'em stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner or later you'll find it
It's surprising how inspiring
It is to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all i can see
and you sure look like a star to me"....
-Kelis ft Cee Lo 'Lil Star'-

A friend said this song reminded him of me. Another friend also once consoled me, telling me that when you're unhappy, everything to you seems to be taking a wrong turn. It's been almost a year and I find myself in the same sticky spot that I keep getting myself into. Is it because I am greedy? Or is it because I expect a lot from myself? Or have I always been ungrateful?

Why can't I see what others have seen in me? Or do I only take in the negativity thoughts that have been thrown me and tainted the person I see everyday when I look into the mirror. When I see my reflection, I wish to see another me. Another person, in a different place in a different time - a person who has come terms with herself, a person who is smiling at herself because she is contented and happy with herself, the life that she is living and the things that she is looking forward to. Like how Aniki would say, acceptance is the key word here. Accepting and embracing that this person that you're looking at and the life that you are living is what makes who you are.

I am almost at the end of my journey. A journey with endless endurance of pain and suffering. Some may say that it is not the destination that counts but the journey that leads you to your destination. The twists and turns that you take define who you've become on your way on who you want to be. The best part of growing up? - Aniki would ask me again and he replies by telling me that maybe in a few months or years from now, when you look back at the time when life may be most difficult for you: financially, emotionally, or life itself has been exerted to the point of exhaustion; you'll be able to understand the 'why's, 'how's and the thoughts and whiny-ness that comes along as the knock-on effects are no longer important and you'll accept that you have come a very long way from the point that you've initially started and THAT journey has thought you to be more aware and well-more equipped to face what life throws at you.

Call it as you see it: being stuck in a rut where nothing goes your way, being just 'lost' as you have to wait patiently being stuck in a place and time where you've left that phase of life and you are waiting for that delayed fuckin' flight to embark on your journey into the next phase of life -OR- it may be a quarter or a one-third life crisis that you're going through but some may find that it comes earlier to them and maybe later to others. Is it better to go through difficulties when you're young and at a tender age, not understanding what to do next and at a time when you're still young enough to make mistakes and learn from them or will it be more of a shock to you to go through this phase of 'everything's shite' at a time when you're older and you thought you've got it all figured out at a later stage in your life?

Then, what have you got to do while you're being stuck and lost in this transition phase/period? You keep trying, you keep going and you keep running as it is only a matter of time. Where do you head to? Which direction do you run to? With all these thoughts that requires Big decisions, you can't help feeling helpless and the irrepressible restlessness makes you squirm in your seats and you toss and turn in bed wasting all those energy and hours of sleeping time trying to concoct a plan that could make life work for you because you just feel paralysed for the longest time, unable to move intuitively or unable to aim - to hit the tennis balls that are thrown to you into the court without someone screaming OUT or FOUL! For a person who always has a plan. For a person who could always see the goal. For a person who knew what she wanted at the age of 16. And most of all, for a person who hates waiting and hates the fucking word of 'acceptance' and has this untappable well of desires; SHE who asserts that she wants everything to happen according to the plan NOW: this transition period is just pure torture.

Remain calm and patient? Moi?!

I'm just going to keep singing that 'I am just a lil star'. Yes, Aniki..I am TRYING to work on the railroad. And, yes..I will continue to find passion in living the life that I'm just terribly bad at leading. But Kai, I will remain to see that other person in the mirror, not only because I want life to change for myself, not only because I want to be un-stuck, escape reality or wanting to get out of this life.. it's because I am that person - I just haven't fully and wholly developed into that person yet. The time will come. I accept that. I just HAVE to be patient..

Signing off,
The Tortured Soul - Sae

Big Girls Don't Cry

2007-05-25T01:44:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

It's time to be a Big Girl now...

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
Ill be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if u want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

La Da Da Da Da Da

P/S: Peter Petrelli.. Love him :)

Oh yeah, I used to think of the cliche' phrase," It's not you, it's me" to justify myself. No longer holding on to that. Toast to change for the singletons out there. The new mantra is, " It's not me, it's YOU."

Signing off,
Sae

Rejection, Reflection

2007-05-15T23:35:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

Following the break-up season, I would like to share my thoughts on the subject because it seems to some that I am quite an expert on the topic, which I may like to add that it is something not to be proud of. Relationships are quite a tricky topic. Some may seek a relationship to complement one's existence, some may be looking for companionship and for the die-hard romantics out there: they are probably looking for "the One" or their soulmate.

First of all, I would like to shout out my admiration and respect for those who hold on to their ideal thoughts on the subject. There are those who are optimists and hard-core believers in love, those who are loyal nevertheless, those who try their best efforts to make it work and those who are there just because they fear to be alone and afraid that loneliness may consume them by eating them from inside; like a gut-wrenching feeling telling them that they need to be with someone just because they feel empty inside or a part of them are missing something. In other words, they are not "whole" unless there is another to make them feel whole again.

I am one of those in the latter, or at least maybe (I hope) I used to be one of them. Seeking happiness in an optimistic way that I will truly find someone that would rescue me from the depths of darkness. We would first share opinions/views on any particular subject-matter, then we would share dreams and then envision to share a life together. As a realist pointed out to me, no matter how much we want certain things to turn out the way it (in our minds) SHOULD or turn out the way we planned, God has His own sense of humour by turning things around as a way of showing us that some things are just not meant to be. He tries to get some kicks by painting the reality right in front of us. Sometimes, we convince ourselves that reality is better, that we should "settle" and "accept" and be grateful that we have at last found someone to be with. But should we forget and let go off the layers of our dreams that we have for ourselves just because we are afraid to be alone? or Do most of us prefer to be in a state of denial that we are only happy when we NEED to have the other half to see that the world is brimming with joy and laughter?

Being rejected is a horrible thing, I agree. It is a world not filled with bubbles and flowers (or in my case, handbags and shoes) but instead is covered with tears, woes and panic attacks. Especially when you've invested so much energy, time and emotions into the relationship. The process of recovery - it seems, take a longer time (double the amount of time of the relationship, in fact) to heal unless you are able to find a mere distraction or you are the type of person that replaces one with another, physically and sexually. Which brings us to another question: whether we are able to connect with another emotionally although that person is a mere replacement to fill the void where the break up took place in our hearts. Days, weeks and months may pass by but our EX seems to be everywhere, in our minds when we sleep and when we are awake although time passes as we speak. The recovery process seems like a whole different portal dimension where we are only aware of our pain and the events that took place keep repeating themselves in whatever picture that we paint ourselves in. Honestly, I think it's a waste of time to be mulling over something that is no longer there. The mind can say one thing but the heart says something different or the opposite of what we tell ourselves or programme ourselves to think and to do.

In my case, post-'A' took a longer time than I realise. After 'A', things didn't work out with 'B' and 'C'. I found hope in 'D' but before I knew it, the breakup process took longer than the relationship itself. When I thought I've lost all hope and faith, along comes 'E' but I never, will I again go through that post-break up feeling because losing him felt as if he literally crushed my soul and all the senses of who I am and the meaning of the life I thought I had. In the end, all that remains is the bitter taste of what had been done to you that cannot be undone. And all that you could remember were not the good memories that you had with the person but the "hangover" effect of the post-break up and the questions that could never be answered no matter how many times you seek closure to be at peace with that person and with yourself. How can one stays an optimist after all that? How can love, hope, trust and faith remain intact when you all you feel is fear?

Those who are strong, those who are determined..they keep going, knowing that dreams may live only to be dreams in their minds. Nevertheless, they have the courage to go out in the world, living the life that they have and keep dreaming that someday, things may change. And, when that 'right' person comes along at the 'right' place and most importantly at the 'right' time (timing is the operative word here), you do not need to 'settle' but you accept that finally, your prayers have been heard, for fear that you may get hurt again: experiences have thought you that you are now stronger and better to face anything that may come your way when the novelty of a new relationship wears off and you are faced with the reality framed in a picture once again. A lot of compromise, understanding and trust that needs to built beforehand.

The song that got me thinking about writing this entry: "So hard" by Ciara.

He made it so hard
2 trust sum1
He made it so hard
2 fall in love

Not tryna mess up this relationship (thinkin)
Cuz the last man did me that way
You gon do the same things I
Dont wanna be this way
But im hoping you can change
The way that i feel
You see (ooooo)
I trusted him with everything
Never held back anything
Thought we'd be 2gether for the rest of our lives
So suddenly he took his love away
And made it hard to trust again

I know I been holding back
But he really hurt me bad
I dont wanna take my past
And put it all on u
Im not tryna hold you back
really hope you understand
I dont know what im gonna do

When I think of what he did to me
It makes it hard to fall in love
When I think about just what i need
It makes it hard to trust sum1
Baby i gotta let go
Dont wanna miss out on love this time
Gotta leave thoughs things behind

whatevers yours you call it ours flowers
with love you keep me showered
(but so did my ex-man at first)
you see what started out so simple all flew out the window
their i go comparin you to him again
it keeps holdin me down,( i gotta let it go)
i wanna give love a chance (but you may never know)
baby u can be the 1 for me
yes the only 1 for me
and i dont wanna lose a good thing no

I know I been holding back
But he really hurt me bad
I dont wanna take my past
And put it all on u
Im not tryna hold you back
really hope you understand
I dont know what im gonna do

When I think of what he did to me
It makes it hard to fall in love
When I think about just what i need
It makes it hard to trust sum1
Baby i gotta let go
Dont wanna miss out on love this time
Gotta leave those things behind

1 dissapointment
1 heart break
too many mistakes in love i've made
i cant come with all this baggage think he's gonna have it
see i know im bein selfish but i gotta let it go

close that chapter
close that book
faith in love is all it ever took
thats why i never gave up and i never gave in
cause i know true love is waitin for me again

I know I been holding back
But he really hurt me bad
I dont wanna take my past
And put it all on u
Im not tryna hold you back
really hope you understand
I dont know what im gonna do

When I think of what he did to me
It makes it hard to fall in love
When I think about just what i need
It makes it hard to trust sum1
Baby i gotta let go
Dont wanna miss out on love this time
Gotta leave those things behind

He made it so hard
2 trust sum1
He made it so hard
2 fall in love

P/S: Dozens of schmokes, dozens of cuppas tea and countless times in a state of madness in one's own mind has made me resolve that NEVER AGAIN, will I let myself be in the same cases of scenarios as I have been. Repeatedly, I will tell myself NOT to make the same mistakes again. Alas, I am a Drama Junkie..Life tends to play a lot of jokes on me. :)

Signing off,
Sae

Memory

2007-05-12T02:38:00.001+01:00

Dear Kai....

"Memory" from Cats (Musical)

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Every streetlamp
Seems to beat a fatalistic warning
Someone mutters
And the streetlamp gutters
And soon it will be morning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I musn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is

Look
A new day has begun

Please don't think I've gone craaaazyyyy...

Signing off,
Sae

"Self"

2007-05-12T00:49:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

Here are some scattered thoughts and ramblings. Questions but with no answers. Thoughts that are always there but never examined in detail. Self reflection, self discovery, self awareness, soul-searching and all that poignant points we make when we embark to seek our true self-image. Seems like crap to me but when you're still caught in the same vicious cycle as time passes, I guess.. we're back to the same core, basic questions. (in order to love thyself)

After all that time, is it really true that the "same shit, different day" pattern can repeat itself and go on and on to cumulate into years? Most people go through life passing different shit every day, right Aniki? "Solution?", I ask. "Break the pattern, Princess", he answers.

'The unexamined life is not worth living' - Socrates

Therefore, Who am I, really?
Who do I see when I look into the mirror?
Who do I want to be?
- Been, Being, Becoming & To Be are very different things.
How would I like to be seen?
Who am I when nobody's watching?
What do I need and what do I want?

The reason for living, for one's true existence must be clear.. (he says) .
Reasons?
-To believe in something and someone
-To know what one wants
-To know and feel that it matters
-To feel that one deserves
-To be on a crusade worth fighting for
-To be a part of something, a sense of belonging
-To accept
-To be at peace
Most of all: To keep going...
(Winston Churchill - "when you're going through hell, keep going". Haha)

Am I a good enough reason to carry on?
-Am I still not living the life that I see myself living?
-See the beauty, chip away the flaws, lose the negativity to erase the sense of powerlessness, emptiness and the poor internal self image made up of scars inside.

"Cos I believe....."(in the cheery American 'we love ourselves'-self-heal-mechanism sing song tune) . I found this:
'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure,
It's our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of the universe.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightening about shrinking,
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
we are born to make manifest the glory of the universe that is within us.
It's not just in some of us: it is in everyone.
And as we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.'

To put it simply, we are constantly letting other people know how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. Back to basics: Let's learn a 'lil bit more of ourselves. We might even surprise ourselves! :)
Janaa' Kai..

Signing off,
Sae

Phenomenal Woman

2007-05-11T18:25:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

Just something random for you to read on:

Pretty woman wonder where my secret lies,
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size,
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies,
I SAY....
It's in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my steps,
The curl of my lips.
I am a woman, phenomally...
Phenomenal woman, that's ME.

I walk into a room,
just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or fall down on their knees,
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees,
I SAY...
It's in the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet,
I'm a woman,
Phenomenal woman, that's ME.

Men themselves have wondered,
What they see in me,
They try so much,
But they can't touch,
My inner mystery,
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see,
I SAY...
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun in my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style,
I'm a woman, phenomenally...
Phenomenal woman, that's ME.

Now you understand,
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about,
Or have to talk real loud,
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud,
I SAY...
It's in the click of my heels,
The bent of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
Cause I'm a woman, phenomenally,
Phenomenal woman, that's ME.

P/S: Haha, Damn cocky...right? (But with the right attitude. So, unlike me!!)

Signing off,
Sae

Accepting What Is Done Is DONE

2007-04-25T00:24:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

People make mistakes. Sometimes very serious ones. As often as not, the mistakes aren't deliberate or personal. Sometimes people don't know what they are doing. I guess, if in the past, people have behaved badly towards you, it wasn't necessarily because they meant to be cruel or horrid, but because they were as naive, as foolish, as humans as the rest of us. They made mistakes in the way they brought you up or finished a relationship with you or whatever, not because they wanted to do it that way, but because they didn't know any different.

If I REALLY DO want to, I can LET GO of any feelings of resentment, of regret, of anger. I CAN ACCEPT that I AM a fabulous human being because of all the bad things that has happened to me, not in spite of them. What is done is done and I just need to get on with things. I WILL NOT label them as 'good' or 'bad'. Yes, indeed I know some of it is indeed bad but as a friend once told me, it is how we let it affect us that is the real 'bad'. I can let all these things get me down, fizzle away internally like some emotional acid making me ill ( sudah pun) and resentful and mostly, stuck. But if I let them go, I could in the near future ( I hope ) embrace them as character forming (haha) and in general as positive rather than negative.

I guess it is essential that if I wanted more out of life, I would have to embrace all the bad things as being an important part of me and move on. In fact, I can fuel them into my future, to turn them into something positive to such an extent that I couldn't imagine being me without them. Given the chance, would I change a thing?

I could shout at them, berate at them, rant at them or just go psycho on them (in a stalkish and obsessive manner) but there would be nothing they could do to make amends or put things right. I have to accept that what's done is done. There is no going back, only forward. A motto in life - keep moving forward.

I'll leave you with this short story:

Two monks were wondering through the forest when they came upon a beautiful courtesan standing on the banks of a flooded stream. Because they had sworn a vow of chastity, the younger monk ignored the woman and crossed the stream quickly. Realising that the beautiful woman could not safely cross the stream by herself, the older monk gathered her up in his arms and carried her across the stream. Once they had reached the other side, he gently returned her to the ground. She smiled her thanks, and the two monks continued their way.
The young monk quietly seethed as he replayed the incident again and again in his own mind. "How could he? " the young monk thought angrily to himself. "Does our vow of chastity mean nothing to him?" The more the young monk thought about what he had seen, the angrier he became and the argument in his head grew louder: Why, had I done such a thing I would've been thrown out of our order. This is disgusting. I may not have been a monk as long as he has but I know right from wrong. He looked over at the older monk to see if he at least was showing remorse for what he had done, but the man seemed as serene and peaceful as ever.
Finally, the young monk could stand it no longer. "How could you do that?" he demanded. "How could you even look at that woman, let alone pick her up and carry her? Do you not remember your vow of chastity?". The older monk looked surprised, then smiled with great kindness in his eyes.
"I am no longer carrying her, brother. Are you?".

Signing off,
Sae

P/s: My horoscope for today says:

The rough energy smoothes out a bit, but you could be feeling nostalgic. Keep in mind that you are probably painting a rosy picture of the past while harshly judging the present. It's time to let go of the emotional attachments that keep you from living your life to the fullest potential. The action of today's energetic Leo Moon harmonizes well for you. Stop chomping at the bit; open the starting gate and follow your destiny.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

A Note From A Friend

2007-04-24T00:33:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

A dear friend once gave me this:

I asked for strength,
He (Allah) gave me difficulties to make me strong,
I asked for wisdom,
He gave me problems to solve,
I asked for prosperity,
He gave me brain and brawn to work,
I asked for courage,
He gave me danger to overcome,
I asked for love,
He gave me troubled people to help,
I asked for favours,
He gave me opportunities,
Hence.. I received nothing I wanted,
But, I received everything I needed.

She told me to hang in there. She is wiser, stronger and much more matured than I am. We've been close friends for 8 years since then. Thank you.

I am grateful, Kai. Really am.

Signing off,
Sae

Journey to the Past

2007-04-23T02:00:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

I realised something today. I have been in this situation before. It all seems familiar. Rewind 5, 6, 7 years back. And now, I remember... I was flicking through my old diaries, old entries and stick on notes and I stumbled onto two of these poems that I held on to dearly. God, I almost forgot what I've been through and how I got through it and I was so young back then... ( I'm still young, tho now!) . I guess, age has not made me any wiser, huh? It's funny when you suddenly remember and see that younger version of you. It makes you think of how far you've come or how much (or not) you've changed since then. Reminiscing can sometimes be difficult, painful, happy or memorable depending on how you view them. Sometimes, you wish you could go back to the good old days where life had all these endless possibilities and your head was mostly stuck in the clouds with your big dreams. Or maybe to some, life was difficult then. Whatever the circumstances may be for each and everyone of us, it is nice to remember the good old school days and walk down the memory lane...
I'll leave these for you to read them.

Sometimes when life gets tough,
As the smooth journey becomes rough,
Just close your eyes and pray,
Tell yourself that it'll be okay,
Stay calm, be wise and think..
Of where this journey's taking you.
And the fine results that it will bring,
Once your dreams come true..
And if sometimes you happen to fall,
Remember; Your struggle is not in vain,
Remember; Please..You're worth it all,
For you have so much to gain.
Though the road to success may seem far,
Just trudge on through with dignity,
And be proud of who you are,
For you're on your way to victory,
And once you reach your journey's end,
You can tell your foes and friends,
Of what you've done,
Where you've gone and proudly say...
"The battle's over and I've won".

**************************************************************************************
I run my fastest, but still get beat.
I land on my head when I should land on my feet.
I try to move forward but still get stuck in rewind.
Why do I keep at it?
I won't be left behind..
The higher I am thrown, the higher I bounce,
I give it my all and that's all that counts,
In first place, Myself...
I seldom find,
So, I push to the limit,
I won't be left behind..
Some people say "You Can't",
Some people say "Don't",
Some simply "Give up", I reply "I won't".
The power is here, locked away in my mind,
My perseverance is my excellence,
I won't be left behind...
Make the best of each moment,
The future is soon the past,
The more I tell myself this, the less I come in Last.
Throughout my competitions,
I've learned what winning is about,
A plain and clear lesson,
Giving up is the easy way out,
So, every night before I go to bed,
I hope in a small way I've shined,
Tomorrow is a brand NEW day,
And, I won't be left behind.....

P/s: Have I changed much since then, Kai?

Signing off,
Sae

Does size really matter?

2007-04-10T21:08:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

Summer has come early for us here in London. The shortest skirts and shorts will finally make an appearance during the day while we are enjoying a cuppa of coffee at a cafe or having a picnic at Hyde Park. This is also the time when fashion and beauty magazines come up with articles like "Get Great Abs and A Firm Butt" and "How to Fake a Tan at Home". After all the much-debated controversial issue of the size "0" (size 4 UK) models at the NY, London, Paris and Milan Fashion Weeks, are we brave enough to go out in the sun in a teeny-weeny bikini when Summer is officially here in June without feeling conscious and wishing that we had Jessica Alba's body instead?.

I know some guys don't really care much about the weight issue as women do. But men DO look and DO talk among themselves especially about us women. Men categorise us women into: Skinny/Thin (maybe too thin for their liking), Just Nice, Smokin' HOT or FAT (the most fearful and undesirable word for many women). Some guys either fall into the Boobs category, Bum category or anything with a p*ssy with nice long legs in a bikini. Some can also get quite critical by saying that a girl may have "thunder" thighs or "chicken wings" (flabby arms). With all these criticism, many women strive to get that "Perfect Body" or try to fit into a size 6 UK by going on ridiculous diets just because they are scared with the idea of being labeled as a size 12 or 14 UK. At the end of the day, having a nice body can increase one's self esteem and confidence. Being thin is all that matters to some. Whereas, the whole idea of having a nice body is to be FIT by exercising regularly (muscle toning & cardio workouts) to be healthy and eating proportionate and well-balanced meals. All these Zone and Atkins diet is just plain rubbish and I guess it is more of a "mind over matter" kind of thing. You can be a size "0" and still be unhappy with your body. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side and it may seem that we are ungrateful with what has been bestowed upon us by wanting something more and changing the way we are. If YOU are unhappy with the way YOU look, only YOU can change and have the willpower to change the way YOU look (within reason, I think). Some may think that plastic surgery is the answer to changing one's look. By all means, if you have the cash to spare and the results will change the way you feel about yourself: "Go ahead", I'll say without any form of judgment.

The question here is why are we so affected with our body image? We know that everyone's different and each has its own pros and cons when we compare each other's body. We also know that the celebs may have it all because they can afford to have personal trainers, day and night and have makeup artists and hairstylists at their every whim especially when they're having a (eg) 'Bad Hair Day' or 'I Feel Fat Day'. Also, why do our weight fluctuates according to our emotions and mental state of mind? To put it simply, WHY can't we be happy with the way we are? We keep wanting bigger boobs, a firmer butt, flatter tummy, long legs and a 'cinch' at the waist. Some may want to be tall, slim and slender like Gisele Bundchen and some may want the 'hourglass' figure like Scarlett Johansson. But not many of us, men and women are truly contented with the way we look. ARE WE? OR DO YOU DISAGREE?

To me, working out is a form of commitment. I had forgotten how good it feels when you work out and the results may not be immediate but looking good and feeling good comes down to discipline and willpower. The self-motivation and months-years of perseverance will give long term results. We know that we can't fight youth and could never go back to the way we were or used to look when we were 16. But at least, by being fit; the ultimate aim is to delay the aging process and not "LOSE" ourselves when we become lazy and complacent because we are married or have a 'loving' boyfriend who loves our love-handles. Bearing in mind that it gets harder to commit to yourself as you grow older when you have more obligations and responsibilities and time may not be the luxury you can have all the time and the AGE factor is also something to think about.

I'm not saying that I'm unhappy with the way I look. But I guess, given the chance; there may be some changes that I would like to make on the exterior self in order to lift the spirits in the interior self. Sometimes, you've got to work the interior first before you can make any changes to the exterior. Either way, if I don't commit to myself now; it might be too late down the road to commit to myself by giving myself the TLC, time and effort that my body, mind and soul may need. Therefore, I keep reminding myself that if I "LOSE" myself now, I might end up losing "EVERYTHING".

I can't be and look like Jessica Alba but I could dream that one day, I could have a body like hers, right? Size really doesn't matter much to me but being happy when I look at myself in the mirror while wearing a bikini counts most for me. :)

Signing off,
Sae

Breathe and ReBOOT at 24

2007-04-05T22:23:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

Women across the borders are expected to achieve targets or goals within a specific time for themselves. At a certain age, one believes that one's life should be or turn out the way one has in mind or has planned since that young woman was a little girl. Why do women like to plan ahead and set the bar up high for themselves and end up being disappointed when one's aim is not achieved within that time frame? Women often associate their life in "tenses" - the past tense, present tense and future tense. At a certain age, "I" must have a job, a flat AND a boyfriend with marriage in mind ( with the addition of having great handbags, shoes and clothes that won't fit the closet and also the unattainable Body To Die For). We may say that we live our lives in the present but our past is firmly rooted in the present. Or we seek to live the life that we foresee in the future but alas, we do not live our lives in the present while working towards the future. Shouldn't we live our lives in the present with the future in mind and leaving the past waaay behind? Us, being women often accumulate the past, present and future and form them in one messy picture like a bowl of spaghetti while men are able to compartmentalise their "tenses" into a sushi box and break it down to the main three: this was my past, this will be my future and this is how I am in the present.

So, what happens when the plan fails? Do we have a back-up plan: Plan B, C or even D? Do we start stressing out because we feel that we are running out of time? As a result of that, do we exert undue pressure upon ourselves and to others around us? Why is there such a RUSH for that twenty-something woman on her way to a quarter life crisis? Is it because we predict that the "stocks" (as in "we") will fall or drop dramatically in the market if we wait too long, leave it to time and fate and we will lose out when the stakes are high but the returns are low as we age and turn into our late twenties? Or worse, do we just "settle" as we are afraid to take the chances that there might be someonelse better out there or a better job prospect but the risks are too high? SO (again, here):What do we do when things don't turn the way you thought it would be when you turn 24 and you are still wandering aimlessly NOT knowing where you're headed to in every aspect of your life? That is The reason for my reluctance or lack of enthusiasm of celebrating my 24th birthday about a week and a half ago. It hits a sore spot that your life is going nowhere and you can't see your "tenses" clearly and the targets and goals that you've set for yourself have become vague and fuzzy-like.

There are two things I know that I must do : The past is like an anchor that impedes your progression. Lift that anchor up to leave that person you once were and then you will be able to become the person you WILL BE. Another to remind myself is that when all fails and you CRASH hard, just Breathe, Relax and ReBOOT. That is what I'm doing at the age of 24. It may not be a fresh start but it will give me a small step to that elusive clean slate that I am PRAYING FOR..

I may be struggling hard to stay afloat and for most of the time, I feel like I'm in a limbo, lull or whatever you may call it: Just floating... I am accepting that this is my life while I'm at IT.

Signing off,
Sae

P/S:
How do you solve a problem like Se-ri-na?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you solve a problem like SE-RI-NA!!!! ( adapted from Sound of Music )

A - HA!

2007-03-30T19:17:00.000+01:00

Dear Kai,

Song of the month:

BEAUTIFUL LIAR - BEYONCE & SHAKIRA

Ay, Ay, Ay
Nobody likes being played
Beyonce, Beyonce
Shakira, Shakira (hey)

[Beyonce] He said I'm worth it, his one desire
[Shakira] I know things about 'em that you wouldn't wanna read about
[Beyonce] He kissed me, his one and only, (yes) beautiful Liar
[Shakira] Tell me how you tolerate the things that you just found out about

[Shakira] You never know
[Beyonce] Why are we the ones who suffer
[Shakira] I have to let go
[Beyonce] He won't be the one to cry

[Beyonce] (Ay) Let's not kill the karma
(Ay) Let's not start a fight
(Ay) It's not worth the drama
For a beautiful liar
[Shakira] (Oh) Did he laugh about it
(Oh) It's not worth our time
(Oh) We can live without 'em
Just a beautiful liar

[Shakira] I trusted him, but when I followed you, I saw you together
[Beyonce] I didn't know about you then 'till I saw you with him again
[Shakira] I walked in on your love scene, slow dancing
[Beyonce] You stole everything, how can you say I did you wrong

[Shakira] You never know
[Beyonce] When the pain and heartbreak's over
[Shakira] I have to let go
[Beyonce] The innocence is gone

[Beyonce] (Ay) Let's not kill the karma
(Ay) Let's not start a fight
(Ay) It's not worth the drama
For a beautiful liar
[Shakira] (Oh) Did he laugh about it
(Oh) It's not worth our time
(Oh) We can live without 'em
Just a beautiful liar

[Shakira] Tell me how to forgive you
When it's me who's ashamed
[Beyonce] And I wish could free you
Of the hurt and the pain
(Both) But the answer is simple
He's the one to blame

[Beyonce] (Ay) Let's not kill the karma
(Ay) Let's not start a fight
(Ay) It's not worth the drama
For a beautiful liar
[Shakira] (Oh) Did he laugh about it
(Oh) It's not worth our time
(Oh) We can live without 'em
Just a beautiful liar

P/S: What do you think?
A-HA!! - Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Signing off,
Sae

BFF

2007-03-22T23:58:00.000Z

Dear Kai,

Have you been out with a group of girlfriends or watched a group of girlfriends meeting over "brunch" or lunch-ing at a restaurant and feeling like as if that group of friends are immersed in their own little world having deep conversations over men, shoes or just gossip-ing about which friend of theirs are getting engaged next and just thought to yourself: What makes these women tick with each other? If you haven't, just watch the women from Sex and the City and you'll get what I mean.

Chilling out with your mates is probably one of life's little pleasures that comes free. It's good to meet up with people that you can really "click" with and just talk for hours and have endless conversations about well, mostly anything or everything. You can laugh to your heart's content, rant all you want and just take the piss out of each other, provided that you know each other well enough, not having to consider with what to say or putting in effort to make small talk like you do with everyonelse. I miss those type of get-togethers. Not so much as having your girlfriends coming around for the weekend and have a 15 people-mini-reunion over a long table but just have a few good hours with 3 or maybe 4 of your best mates for even coffee, mamak stalls or eating in. I guess, what I mean to say is that I long for that to happen to me now and at present, that is what I need most.

As a girl growing up climbing trees, racing bikes or playing catch at a cement playground - I grew up with having male friends. I didn't have that many girlfriends at a tender age. Boys were easier to handle and they were fun to play with. (Don't get any naughty ideas here, alright!). When I went to school, I learned that girls were just a hassle to be friends with. They cry and "bitch" and get so competitive with each other all the time. I vowed that I would never go to an all girls' school and I never did. These girls had all these ideas about "best friends forever" but then talked shit about their friends behind their backs. And, they get sooo possessive about friends and which clique you hang out with during recess or outside school hours. Not to mention that girls can be big bullys too: if you didn't look pretty or you did not have pretty things that their daddy could afford to lavish them with, you're out of the gang. (Thank God, we grew out of that but surprisingly some of us never do.)

I never did belong to one particular group. I was friends with a lot of people. And yeah, most kids during those days thought that I was always hanging out with the cool crowd where the girls were the prettiest, most popular and smartest where the boys would go goo goo gah gah over (which left a permanent damage to my self esteem 'til today). I also felt that at times I was more like Mandy Miller in those Sweet Valley High books we used to read where some of my friends were either in the Angel club and some were in the Unicorn club. And I.. I was just caught in the middle, riding the wave as I go along. But then, I moved to another school and I was spending 24/7 (literally) with 3 of my best mates. We just "clicked" and well, we were spending so much time together, we could read each other like the front cover and all the way to the synopsis at the back cover. We used to have so much fun, we caused a lot of riot but we were happy. We survived in that school because we had each other. Then, we grew up and part ways. We don't see each other much now and we don't keep in contact as much. I'd like to think that I am the glue, keeping everyone together because I put in the effort to be in each other's lives as much as I can because friends like that don't come by very often. You may have hundreds of friends on your facebook or friendster but do we really know what's become of each and everyone of them? Do we keep in contact to make up for the time that we were apart?

At this stage of my life, I am blessed to have a pool of friends (male and female) that I could really count on and I can name about 10 people or so who have become my life line. I met them in school and at Uni. They are the people that I've met from different walks of life and they've known me for years and know me better than I know myself at times. My best mates are often the opposites in character from me. Most of us are are very different from each other but they are definitely a mould closer to each other compared to a mould that I am made from. Nevertheless, they keep me grounded and in return, I enlighten their lives with my inability to adapt to the rapid current waves that goes on in my life. These people who form my life line are the only ones who are able to tell me off and speak their minds to me. It's just brutal honesty which I appreciate and I know they mean well. These are the friends who you can just be yourself, not needing to make extra effort to be "nice" or maybe tactful (within reason, I guess). It's funny how friendship could evolve and the ones who are unlikely to "click" with you back then because you are just so different from each other but end up being the ones that you go to when you need a shoulder to cry on and they're the ones who would pick your calls even when they're asleep at 4am (or maybe on a different time zone). They are the ones that you could just rant and cry and laugh when you are not making sense and they are the ones that pick you up when you fall. They may not be physically near and they may feel helpless when they can't be around to physically give you a helping hand. But the thought that they care tells you that they are your friends for life.

In my life, where I am in a constant sphere of pleasure and pain; I realised that I need them to be physically around me. Just for a few weeks. Just for now. A friend once told me, I may be the sort of character that practices emotional sadism and masochism (not the acts, mind you!) in my relationships and perhaps I need a reality check that all these while I am attracted to the drama and pain that I keep inflicting onto myself when I sadistically tie myself to relationships that don't work or could not work. Indeed, I need them (my friends) to take me to a place where I am just happy to be with the people that I care about and just momentarily lapse in someonelse's happiness or turmoils and distract me from my own in a temporary high that would leave me blissful instead of feeling disoriented from substance abuse. Having dinner out or having dinner in over the weekend when it was someonelse's turn to cook or the late night sessions of teh tarik and rokok tak berabis at our usual mamak. ANYTHING!! A walk down the memory lane to the good times we had, me and my various, different circle of best mates make me miss them more. Or at least, could I have my best mate that is going to get married in Summer to come here and just be with me for a few days? That is all that I am asking for.

Note: Break up rule No **: No matter who breaks your heart or how long it takes to heal, you can't get through it without your friends.

Like my friend's boyfriend once told her - every time she comes back from a "meeting-up" with our group of friends back in Uni, she always sound happy when she talks to him over the phone. I guess, I just selfishly want my life line to be around me for my 24th birthday. That is my birthday wish. For me, friends do leave footprints in our lives : My BFFs (geez, I've become corny) definitely left footprints in mine and I'm sure I've left a huge mark on theirs! :)

Signing off,
Sae

What Actually Love Is

2007-03-19T17:09:00.000Z

Dear Kai,

I'm striving to be happy...
Here's a note I "cut and paste" from a friend...

What Actually Love Is

Why do we close our eyes when we sleep? When we cry?
When we imagine? When we kiss?
This is because the most beautiful things in the world are unseen.
We are all a little weird and life's a little weird and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours,
we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

There are things that we never want to let go of,
people we never want to leave behind,
but keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world,
it's the beginning of a new life.

Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt,those who have searched and those who have tried.
For only they can appreciate the importance of the people who have touched their lives.

A great love? It's when you shed tears and still you care for him,
it's when he ignores you and still you long for him.
It's when he begins to love another and yet you still smile and say I'm happy for you.

If love fails, set yourself free,
let your heart spread its wings and fly again.
Remember you may find love and lose it, but when love dies,you never have to die with it.

The strongest people are not those who always win but those who stand back up when they fall.

Somehow along the course of life,you learn about yourself and realise
there should never be regrets,only a lifelong appreciation of the choices you've made.

A true friend understands when you say: I forgot,
waits forever when you say :just a minute,
stays when you say:leave me alone,
opens the door even before you knock and says:can I come in?

Loving is not how you forget but how you forgive,
not how you listen but how you understand,
not what you see but how you feel,
and not how you let go but how you hold on.

It's more dangerous to weep inwardly rather than outwardly.
Outward tears can be wiped away while secret tears scar forever.

In love, very rarely do we win
but when love is true, even if you lose,
you still win just for having the tingle of loving someone more than you love yourself.

There comes a time when we have to stop loving someone
not because that person has stopped loving us
but because we have found out
that they'd be happier if we let go.

It's best to wait for the one you want than settle for one that's available.
Best to wait for the one you love than one who is around.
Best to wait for the right one
because life is too short to waste on just someone.

Sometimes the one you love turns out to be the one who hurts you the most,
and sometimes the friend who takes you into his arms and cries when you cry
turns out to be the love you never knew you wanted.

If you really love someone never let go,
don't believe that letting go means that you love best,
instead fight for your love,that's what true love is.

Laugh to your heart's content; you cannot go through life without it.

-Anonymous-

Kai...What do you think?
Some I agree...some I don't...
Keep going, you say...Keep your chin up and be strong, you add to what you've said..
All I can think now is: For how long more?

Signing off,
Sae

Super Heroes

2007-03-16T22:04:00.000Z

Dear Kai,

"Expect the unexpected". A harsh and excruciatingly painful lesson that I had to learn, about two weeks ago. Like a full-fledged, anticipated and suspenseful drama episode of the latest 'It' TV show, "Heroes" I learned the truth about deception, betrayal and confusion. You might be wondering where I'm going with this. Let me illustrate further :

Case Study 1: The X-Men
As a rebellious teenager of the Gen-X, I grew up being fascinated with the super powers of the X-Men team. Like every other kid, I wanted to be "special", blessed with a mutated DNA that possesses unimaginable powers that supersedes human abilities which I also considered to be a curse (adding a dramatic effect to that). I especially wanted to be Rogue, a dominant female character who involuntarily absorbs the memories, physical strength and in the case of super-powered persons, abilities of anyone she touches.
I thought to myself, at that time - How cool is that?

Another prominent figure of the X-Men that was also on top of my list was Jean Grey. A mutant born with vast telepathic (the paranormal acquisition of information concerning the thoughts, feelings or activity of another person) and telekinetic powers (the proposed paranormal ability of the mind to influence matter or energy without the use of any currently known type of physical means). Personally, I think Jean Grey is a bit of a 'wish-wash' character that I can't stand (she is a caring, nurturing figure, blah blah blah) but the thing that intrigues me about her is what she has to deal with being an Omega-level mutant and the physical manifestation of the cosmic Phoenix Force where she becomes this empowering and phenomenally powerful 'Phoenix'. According to the comic book, she faces death several times in the history of the series, first in the classic "Dark Phoenix Saga," but due to her connection with the Phoenix Force, she as her namesake implies, (Phoenix - mythical bird that dies in flames and is reborn from the ashes) rises from death. That's what i call INVINCIBLE.

Of all the supernatural abilities out there, I've always been attracted to telepathy, telekinesis and superhuman strength. Hence, of all the X-Men characters I am in awe of Professor 'X' s powers. Throughout most of his comic book history, Xavier or better known as Professor 'X' is paraplegic although his body houses one of the world's most powerful mutant minds. As a high-level telepath, Xavier can read, control and influence human minds, a scientific genius with a superhuman ability to absorb information and also a leading authority on genetics, mutation and psionic powers. An impressive and incredible mutant CV, huh?

Case Study 2: Heroes
If I could be Niki/Jessica Sanders (Dark Twins) with their combined superhuman strength through a split personality for a day, there are THREE or maybe FOUR, possibly FIVE people I'd like to kill. Note: Killing methods may vary from a simple snap of the neck to full out torture that would make even Apocalypto and Passion of the Christ looked merciful.

If I could be Hiro Nakamura for a day, I am able to bend space and time, manipulate time, teleport myself and time travel to the past to get rid of emotional baggageS and understood where have I gone wrong in a number of cases and un-DO my mistakes (but then, that will change the whole story of my life: For better or worse? ) and then to the future, so that I am able to "move on" and work towards that goal and achieve it in the future as I have so been privileged to see. However, I am uncomfortable and not too keen of knowing the future so much as I do not know what my reactions may be, so I'd have to say NO to Isaac Mendez's precognitive powers of painting the future. (Heck, I can't paint anyway!)

If I could be telepathic like Matt Parkman for a day, I could read the minds of others and observe how their actions may differ from what they're thinking. That is when you can tell what a person is really thinking and how a person is TRUE-LY and hopefully, I will not find out that there are no longer "honest and good people" out there and instead, find deceit, manipulation, pretence and FCKingly annoying Hard-Core FAKENESS in the minds of people whose minds I can't wait to probe and hear their inner thoughts.

Why settle for only one when you can have it all? As I am superhuman and PLUS, I have a dire need of hunger for supernatural powers, I'd like to have Peter Petrelli's mimicry or absorption powers (the ability to copy or absorb another's powers or skills, like Rogue). AND, I could absorb everyone's powers and DO ALL THE ABOVE in one day.
I've said it once, I'll say it again - How cool is that?

Now, you know why I am not bestowed with such privilege. I would just go MaaaaaaaD. On an angry, frustrated, bitter and vengeful crusade. To hurt those who hurt me and others. I can't be like Peter Petrelli, feeling all responsible and noble, venture out to use these powers for GOOD to triumph over EVIL (like every comic super heroes ) and then go out and Saaave The World and its people (believe me, we don't need saving, we're irreparable and beyond the need of being saved). Hell, I can't even save me from myself, let alone save someonelse.

ANALYSIS: To watch the man that you love, love someonelse. Can I do all the above if JUST for one day, I have the abilities of the 'Heroes' characters?

CONCLUSION: "I don't know" is the answer. Even if I did have those supernatural powers, I don't think I could do what my imaginative mind is capable of doing. As reality hits me, I TELL myself that Super Powers and Super Heroes do not exist. (even if they do exist, I do not possess them and they only exist in my mind. HAHA) And, RUNNING AWAY (or wanting to fly like Nathan Petrelli) no matter near or far; physically or mentally is NOT the answer, as that cursed mental image that I have of them just keeps following you and haunts you, day and night. Then, I tell myself that the first step to look forward and let go IS that I must tell myself to be strong, no matter how difficult it may be, no matter how scary it may be - We, inevitably MUST face the things that we don't want to......

That's the only way we can live with ourselves.

Signing off,
Sae

ADDED COMMENT: Too bad Claire Bennet's spontaneous regeneration powers (the ability to heal and recover from bodily injuries or disease at a superhuman rate) don't work on heartaches.
I'd love that!

If A Man Wants You

2007-03-09T14:04:00.000Z

Dear Kai,

A friend sent me this..Just as a lil' reminder.. This was written by a man, so I'm not sure to what extent this may be true. I'll leave you to judge...

If a man wants you...

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is YOU.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-God.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship,
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

HAHA, What do you think?

Signing off,
Sae

The O.C Drama

2007-03-08T14:19:00.000Z

Dear Kai,

I've just finished watching the last episode ever of the O.C. I knew that season 4 is the last season for the drama series but I didnt expect it to end so soon. Funnily enough, most things come to an end before you know it. Like the drama series, a lot has been going on; you may plan for a lot of things to happen for the next few months or years to come but it could all end in just a split second, a minute, or in a day. The O.C has become more of a soap drama towards the end of season 2 and season 3. But I never failed to stop watching because unlike other soaps, the screenwriters evolved each character of the drama series in a way that I could relate to. People evolve through time and years of accumulated experiences. In the O.C, we have seen that Ryan evolved from that kid in Chino and learned to mature in using his head and not his fist and casting dust and water onto a crackling fire. Seth evolved from being a comic book geek and being invisible and not giving up on bidding his time to win the heart of Summer, his big crush from school. Summer on the other hand, evolved from being a teenage "fluff' to an active environmentalist with a passion and brains to match. Marisa, the girl with a 1000 of issues went from being Miss Popular, to an alcoholic, lesbian, dating lousy men but came to terms that she did not need Ryan to be there for her 24/7 and that her mom was always looking out for her in her best interests but then, she died. Anyway, Taylor learned that she had real friends and to overcome her emotional addiction (due to lack of love from her mother). Taylor cracks me up and I totally get the whole "neediness" and emotional addiction that makes her who she is. Then, we have the super uber couple, Sandy & Kirsten Colwyn. Everyone aspires to have what Sandy & Kirsten have but even they have their own problems to deal with. Julie and Caitlyn Cooper, well.. Julie (a hot MILF, no doubt about that) evolved from being the manipulative bitch that she was and still is, to learning what's important to her at the end of the day is herself, family and friends.. Not MEN.

Being thrown into the deep end of the pool since young (literally and metaphorically), I have always ventured out into the world without learning the baby steps at the beginning. A small girl with BIG dreams. As a result of that, I've been brutally beaten and scarred for the most part. But I would like to perceive myself as an optimistic. I go out again and learn through more experiences and that doesnt mean that I will learn the easy way. Hardships, I shall endure. Sometimes, I learn from my mistakes and sometimes I dont, like how the characters in the O.C did. But I have survived and I have evolved. I've lived the life of an O.C drama. There are some out there who could tell the tale that could top my stories though and I am grateful that mine are not as dramatic as theirs. However, things need to change...For my own good.

I plan to live my life in a "bubble" now. My own world where no one can hurt me and I would not be affected by anything that others may say or do to me. A simple but selfish life, where I only take care of myself and what matters most is me, me, me. No more of this people pleasing business, no more of being an "Exhibit A" that people will talk about and most of all, No More Drama. (O.C Drama or not). Learning to be selfish and looking out for yourself is an art that I desperately need to master. I care too much about others, about what they think and say although I do have the tendency to declare to the world that I am self absorbed and only care for myself. Those who know me knows that I DO have a foul mouth and what I do and say are TWO different things. I may say a lot of things that I dont mean but at the end of the day, what you DO matters most and affects other people. I do not have the heart or ability to hurt someone manipulatively or cruelly. (Therefore, I have no regrets, no grudges, no ill feelings, no hatred, just "trial and error" or mistakes) And..I tend to care more about others than myself. I'm just built that way. I act like I dont care, but I do. That is my basic mechanism and I believe that at the end of the day, "Action does speak louder than words". You can say all that you want to others but when it comes to the battling field, will you do as you say you would? Words fade away and dies quickly in memory....What you do and did to others, your actions - that remains in memory and that is what people around you will remember....

Someone told me that all you need in life for comes down to 4 main aspects.

1) Sleep - which I hardly get any.

2) Good food & drink - for someone who loves food but hardly eats any and is a Size Zero, I would have to work on that.

3)Music - aaah...music stirrs up emotions and that may not be good news for me. Controlling my emotions is something that I would have to learn.

4)Faith - Keeps you sane, calm and rational. It may give you hope but living with so much hope may also show that a man is not living in the present, not living in contentment. Faith is for YOU, whatever your faith may be: Religon-wise, God or science or even faith that keeps you going strong and believing in yourself and people around you that there is a reason for each and everyone of us to live a life in this world.

With these 4 aspects, who needs love? HAHA, it's all inter-related. When you are able to master these 4 main aspects and have enough of them, you become more positive and a happier person on your own and that will affect how you approach things in life and how you interact with others. No one likes a miserable sod. I shall learn to live my life for myself and that shall be the sole reason why I wake up in the morning, everyday of my life..from now onwards. Just, letting go .. the life I planned and accepting the life I have. Simply put.

Therefore, London..Hear me out. Bring it on, for it shall not bring me down. If it does bring me down, I shall get up again with my chin up and head up high. I've got my "bubble" to protect me and I am leaving my O.C dramas behind.

Come what may...

Signing off,

Sae

Unnoticed.....

2007-02-20T23:39:00.000Z

Dear Kai,

I had a vision once where I was lying on a bed in a hospital, suddenly woken up from a coma after being dead , or almost dead to the world for a few days. The feeling was so surreal that I suddenly had flashbacks of what had happened and all I could remember was walking down the street and seeing a car coming right up to me and then everything just turned black as if I fell into some deep hole of darkness where I couldnt hear or see anything like a sense of void-ness.

Apparently, I had no ID on me (that usually happens when I'm out for a jog on my way to buy ciggies) and I had been a Jane Doe to the hospital all these while because no one had come to 'claim' me or so to speak. Then, I figured that I had been missing for days and wondered whether anyone noticed that I had disappeared. You read about dead bodies being discovered weeks later lying there on the floor in their homes in the newspaper. Also, a certain someone told me of a true story where a man had died on his armchair in his lounge and his body was only found years later. The postman had been dropping his mail through mail slot on his door for years and one day, he realised that he had to push through a mountain of stacked letters just to drop a letter in. He called the police and the police discovered that the poor soul had been dead for 2-3 years and no one knew about it, not even his neighbours or friends and his family did not live nearby.

That got me thinking about how self absorbed people can be. Day in and day out, everyone goes about with their own lives thinking only about how they're going to get through their daily lives, dealing with their own problems and trying to make sense what their purpose in life may be or for some, just trying to get through the day hoping til something more exciting happens in their lives. With all the modern technology advancement on communication that we have now, do we even bother to ask the people around us especially those that matter most to us about how they were doing? Just a quick 'hello, how are you' or 'what have you been up to' would suffice or would make a difference especially to those whose phone never rings. So, what's the use of a mobile phone or internet then, may I ask?

"A man is an island to himself', so the saying goes. A pessimistic view following to that would be 'we were born alone and so, we would die alone', hence one should not be afraid to be alone because at the end of the day all you have is yourself and say what you want but you're on your own. It is sad isn't it. So, if that vision of mine comes true, would anyone notice that I've been missing for a few days or would people around me assume that I've just been busy doing my own stuff, that's the reason why I havnt called anyone or replied to anyone's call or text messages or maybe I just needed some time-out for myself and that's why I havnt been in contact with people. There are many things that we can assume of people. After all, it doesnt occur to us that something dramatic could happen to us or people around us since we're just 'ordinary people'. Most 'ordinary people' like us, the plain Jane or Joe - we usually get around being unnoticed. It's not as if we do stand out in a crowd, right? Until something bad happens, then we realise that anything could happen to anyone.

What I'm trying to understand here is: Does it make sense for our disappearance to go unnoticed? Can we even call ourselves friends if we dont even make effort to keep in contact with them even by dropping a short text and not even realising that our 'friend' has gone missing? Do we walk through our days where we are just one in a crowd or one in masses of people trying to get through the day being one of those who run up or down the escalator and pushing through others to get into the tube in time before the door shuts, being so oblivious (and some may be inconsiderate) to others and become invisible to other people's eyes? Yeah, I know that most of us live in a big city and everyone is usually busy with their daily routine or trying to make full use of your own time and you can go on for weeks not seeing people that you know even your close friends until you realise that you need to get out of your black hole before you feel like the four walls of your room are gonna collapse on you and you'll be lying under a pile of bricks all alone unless you get out, and get out now..

Points to Note: Most of us dont have family around us so we rely on our friends as our support system. I guess we have a choice: either wanting to go on with our lives being alone and unnoticed or we go out there, make effort to let the people around us know how much we appreciate them and make our own 'new family'. You dont need to be blood just to be family.

Hence, if we go missing or disappear.. we wont go unnoticed....

Signing off,
Sae

Hitting Rock Bottom

2007-02-14T19:23:00.000Z

Dear Kai,

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" describes men as being like rubber bands and women are like waves. Like rubber bands, when men feel that they've overstretched themselves in playing the role of a 'saviour' a.k.a knight in shining armour or becoming the perfect man that their lady-friend expects them to be, they would either snap and lose control or need to be dormant in their cave for awhile needing 'space' and in time, spring back into a coil of a rubber band to regain their self autonomy before stretching themselves out again like a rubber band to push to their limits to see how far they can go. Women, on the other hand are emotional beings. Their feelings go up and down like waves but at the end of the day, once they've hit rock bottom, they'll come back up and be like normal again wherever the current may take them til the next time a tidal wave of emotions hit them.... and down they go again.

I've hit rock bottom many times in my life. Someone who barely understood the mechanisms of women's emotions once told me that I indulge myself in self-pity when in fact, he doesnt know that I'm on my way down like a wave to hit rock bottom. Others may not know it but according to that person, I let myself wallow in misery and blame others for everything that goes wrong in my life. To this day, I can remember those words vividly in my mind and how thwarted his view was of me. Those who know me and know what I've been through are adamant in contradicting this person's view of me. In their view, I underestimate my own strength to get through difficult times and everytime I hit a glitch, I always manage to pull it through each time it happens. Not to be cliche but I am truly a survivor of dramatic life experiences. And I have to thank God that I am lucky to have such strong support system that believes in me even when I dont believe that I could pull it through most of the time.

Back to the analogy of men being like rubber bands and women being like waves, I guess when you analyse the way men and women deal with their emotions; you can testimony their characters to that analogy. You may disagree but I can understand where the author was coming from. However, that is not my story for today. Yes, I've hit rock bottom many times in my life and sometimes I do feel like I want to stay being a rock deep in the ocean where I am left alone and I do not want to be in contact with anyone not wanting to admit that I might need to seek help from my support system to help me come up to the surface of the ocean again. As the current flows, I will usually go back up in due time. For the past few weeks, I've been like the wave going up and down in an erratic motion and I have no control over my emotions and find it difficult to focus on one task at a time, however mundane the task may be. My thoughts flit from one random thought to another, totally unconnected and irrelevant to the situation that I am facing now. Usually, once I've let the dam of tears out to cry a whole river, in the end like the river I will calm down and I will stop crying. Then I will get a grip of reality, move on wherever the current may take me and pull it through. On many occassions, I always pull it through. This time, however... it's been difficult to come back up again. Like the ferocious and turbulent waves that keep splashing against the rocks by the shore, I keep hitting the rocks again and again, going up and down... and still, I cant manage to calm down even when the tide is low. Add the frequent anxiety attacks on top of that.

Kai... I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. This is not a glitch that I usually am able to overcome. This is bigger than that and it all comes down to not addressing the root of the problems that keep recurring from a long time ago which I tend to overlook and never took the time to fix it. This is about me, about to give up on everything that Ive worked for, waving the white flag for the first time and just accepting in defeat that I am not able to carry on fighting the war.

The dominant part of me may still be in denial. The rational part of me is trying to get myself better by reaching out and seeking help. As the counsellor at the college would say, that small part of me that admits that I need professional help has brought me to them in search for answers and brought myself to the attention of the Director of the College in search for his kind, wise and encouraging words. (Oh yeah, he did mention that in his 15 years of teaching experience, I am the calmest student on a nervous breakdown that sought advice from him although my emails to him were quite the contrary. He concluded that I was a pretty damn good actress) Hancurnya hati ku when an attempt (that was ego-deflating) to seek help still could not smooth the rocky transition of coming back up to the surface of the ocean. Will anxiety pills and extra dosage of sleeping pills from the GP or a medical evidence from the shrink indicating this so and so person is in depression do the trick to aid my recovery process? (It will definitely give the external Board of Examiners something to talk about!) Alas, I cannot wait for time to bid its 'green signal' to let time do its job. Instead, my plan to try accelerating the healing process by attempting to do everything on my own and trying too hard to get better...backfired and yes, I failed miserably.

I just wanted to tell you that I have a very important decision to make today. A decision that could end up in me losing everything that Ive worked for and everything that I have. It is crucial for me to make that decision on my own without taking into account how it could affect my family or people around me and what their views may be. This is about me and only I, could make the decision for myself. My mental health is at stake and so is my future.

All I could say is that I pray that everything will be okay in the end. If it is not okay, I am coaxing myself to believe that it will not be THE END. Hopefully, hitting rock bottom and not being able to come back up as I would like to is God's way of telling me that there is a lesson to be learned here. Only when Ive truly reflected and in time... I will get better and I will know what that lesson may be. The mantra for today is: One day at a time. After all, every cloud has its silver lining... and hopefully, so does mine.

Signing off,
Sae

Self worth

2007-02-13T21:14:00.000Z

Dear Kai,

My mom has been hammering me about the value of a woman's worth. As Alicia Keys would say in her song, " A woman's worth"

'She walks the mile, makes you smile, all the while being true
Dont take for granted the passion she has for you
You will lose if you choose to refuse to put her first
She will if she can't find a man who knows her worth
'Cause a real man knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain't afraid to please her
A real woman knows a real man always comes first
A real man just can't deny a woman's worth...'

How do you value your own worth? When a woman falls in love, she takes the role of being submissive to her man and at times forgets that she should always put herself first in any situation. When one is whole on its own, then a strong relationship could emerge. If one can barely stand on her own, the other may become stronger and both are not able to play equal roles in the relationship. It is sad to say that at times, even the strongest woman out there can become insecure, fragile and vulnerable in a relationship and when her man cannot understand what role he plays in the relationship, everything may crumble if both parties dont work it out by compromising.
My girlfriends and I talk about respect a lot. The kind of respect that you may expect regardless at work, from family, friends and your man. Each has its own interpretation of what RESPECT may be just as how men interpret certain aspects of a relationship or life differently from women. What kind of respect do we ask from one another or expect from each other? Do we give enough respect to the other person or are we receiving enough respect?
In other words, does the lack of respect undermine our own self worth?
Note this scenario my mom gave to me:

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question......
"What kind of man are you looking for?"
She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking.
"Do you really want to know?"
Reluctantly, he said, "Yes."
She began to expound... As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to
ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills.
I take care of my household without the help of any man. I am in the position to
ask, "What can you bring to the table?"
The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.
She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I
need something more." I need a man who is striving for perfection in every
aspect of life." He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to
explain.
She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally
because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded
man." I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually
because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers
is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection
financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone
who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong
enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order
to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't
taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to
be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he
can't help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there
with a puzzled look on his face.

He said, "You're asking a lot."
She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

So..how does a woman value her self worth? By believing in herself? By putting herself first? Some women in their 20s search for a relationship to validate themselves or to feel complete but that doesnt help their insecurities. They are still not comfortable in their own skin and not confident in themselves. Therefore, they are constantly looking for other people to make them happy without realising that they are setting themselves up for disappointments. I guess..in search of one's self worth you have to realise that you are on your own in this life and while you can have a supportive family and great friends, they should enhance what you've already got. In the end, you have to love yourself more to find your own self worth that you yourself could measure up to and not waste time on people who arent worthy of it or does not respect you enough as an individual.

"What you feel only matters to you, it's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters" - THE LAST KISS (movie)

And that is my revelation for today. Said enough? I think so.. Ill leave you to it to ponder.

Signing off,
Sae

Flavor of Life : Bittersweet?

2007-02-13T00:06:00.000Z

Dear Kai,
This is the song I keep listening to on "repeat" on my ITUNES...

Flavor of Life by Utada Hikaru
OST of Hana Yori Dango 2

The Lyrics of this song goes like this (Lyrics & Music: Utada Hikaru):

In Japanese:

Arigatou to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
sayonara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life

tomodachi demo koibito demo nai chuukan chiten de
shuukaku no hi wo yumemiteru aoi furu-tsu
ato ippo ga fumidasenai sei de
jirettai no wa nande?

arigatou to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
sayounara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life

amai dake no sasoi monku ajike no nai doku
sonna mono ni wa kyoumi wa sosorarenai
omoitoori ni ikanai toki datte
jinsei suteta mon janai tte

doushita no? to kyuu ni kikareru to “uun. nandemo nai”
sayounara no ato ni kieru egao watashi rashikunai
sinjitai to negaeba negau hodo nandaka setsunai
“aishiteru yo” yori mo “daisuki” no hou ga kimi rashii janai?
The flavor of life

wasurekakete ita hito no omoi wo totsuzen omoidasu koro
furitsumoru yuki no shirosa wo omou to sunao ni yorokobitai yo

daiyamondo yorimo yawarakakute atatakana mirai
teni shitai yo kagiri aru jikan wo kimi to sugoshitai
“arigatou” to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
sayounara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life

In English, as translated:

When I hear you say “thank you”
My heart hurts for some reason
Like a magic spell that doesn’t get
undone even after the break up
The faintly burning pain

The flavor of life,
The flavor of life

Neither friends nor lovers in uncertain terms
The un-riped fruit dreams about the day of harvest

Not being able to move forward
Those hands are desperate baby~

When I hear you say “thank you”
My heart hurts for some reason
Like a magic spell that doesn’t get
undone even after the break up
The faintly burning pain

The flavor of life,
The flavor of life

Words that seduce with sweetness, boring talk
I have no interest in them

Though things aren’t going smoothly at the moment
I haven’t given up on my life yet~

When asked “What happened?”
I answer “Nothing much”
The disappearance of laughter
after a break up isn’t like me

Whenever I wish to believe in you as I want
My heart hurts for some reason
Liking something else more than
something you love isn’t like you

(The flavor of life)

When I miss the person who is
fainting away in my memory
I want to be more openly cheerful
about the white snow piling up

The future that is smoother
and more warmer than diamond
I want to embrace it even with
the limited time I want to be with you

When I hear you say “thank you”
My heart hurts for some reason
Like a magic spell that doesn’t get
undone even after the break up
The faintly burning pain

The flavor of life,
The flavor of life

The flavor of life .

P/S: What do you think? You must watch the series "Hana Yori Dango" and "Hana Yori Dango 2" to understand the meaning of this song.

What's your flavour of life, Kai?
Mine's bittersweet...Always has been...

Signing off,
Sae

A Provoking Read

2007-02-08T02:12:00.001Z

Dear Kai,

A friend once told me: "Love never learns to respect space given, it always wants more space". Is this true? Can love be selfish? Can we use this phrase to justify whatever reasons may be on the outcomes of loving someone? Then how can we love someone unconditionally without expecting anything, without feeling any pain and accepting things as they are (letting go and going with the flow..wherever fate may take us) ?

A friend of mine posted this excerpt from Khalil Gibran's 'The Prophet' (1923) "ON LOVE" on facebook. I must say that it is quite a powerful, poetic and piercing interpretation on Love. My brother thinks that he's talking about love as a greater being with hardships that we must endure if we choose to love. He continued on saying that love is like a doubled-edge sword that would reward you if yielded properly. He was trying to tell me that if I wish to love someone, that love must be purest in its form and full of sincerity: to not hope for anything in return but to love and give unconditionally. We shall not suffer in love and be in pain if we are willing to go through it with an open and loving heart. Sincerity is the act of doing something without expecting anything in return ( in malay: KEIKHLASAN HATI). Patience, on the other hand is also another virtue that we can always look to improve. I guess, as long as we know we are doing the right thing without hurting anyone on the way.. if we love someone dearly or if we love God sincerely, we should take the higher road of embracing love and accepting that things dont usually work the way we want it to. God can give us everything in one day and can take it back in just a split second.

My argument is that it is difficult to take the higher road, to be the bigger person when emotions are rocky and uncontrollable. It takes a lot of effort but I guess after much discussions with my brother... in time we can look back and it would give us a peace of mind and a clearer mental state knowing that we tried to be a better human being in every aspect of life especially when it comes to loving that person sincerely, without prejudice and judgment and in our attempt to achieve EQ (emotional intelligence) for ourselves.

That said, I'll leave you with Khalil Gibran's thoughts on 'Love'.

" Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

- Khalil Gibran (1923), 'The Prophet'

Signing off,
Sae