Being 20-something

Dear Kai,

As words of wisdom are being passed around friends who are in their 20s, I would like to share this with you since sharing is caring..

Being 20-something: They call it the “Quarter-life Crisis.”

"It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realising that there are many things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like.You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you
are now.

You start realising that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have
lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don’t recognise is that they are realising that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused
as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realising that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that
scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realise that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realise that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Perhaps you love someone who doesn’t love you back, or worse yet, loves someone else. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren’t a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself… and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realise is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out."

Toast to all those in their 20s. We may fear that we are alone but fear not, as we are not alone as we may think we are. We just choose not to address and admit to ourselves and others that we too are in a state of confusion as the guy in his 20s sitting next to us.

Signing off,
Sae

They

Dear Kai,

How do you remain positive about people? I used to think that there is no good or bad people. They don't fall into an "either.. or'' distinction. Some people may seem to be 'good' but they may feel 'bad' inside. Others may seem to be 'bad' but you may find that they are 'good' in the end. You may have good and bad feelings inside of you, but in the end you decide to choose on whether to act upon the good or the bad instinct and your actions follow on which one you choose to act on.

You put your trust in people. They, either hold that trust with care or they crush it with a single blow. Once the trust is broken, you can no longer fix what you broke and you can't fix what's broken.You would think that good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. You may find that you can read some people like the back of a book without even turning the pages and reading the book and you may also find that some people are very capable of surprising you in ways that you could never imagine or predict.

They, whom I called my friends have turned their backs on me. They, who thought in the namesake of friendship extended and offered their help but took it away when in time of need. They, who you may have opened up to, decide to leave you because they, themselves could not help themselves; let alone be there for you. They, can no longer deal with you. They, who have given up on you are friends who you laugh with but never friends whom you can cry with.They have disappointed me by mis-judging by a mile off. They affected me by passing judgments that even acquaintances of mine would find these judgments to be quite shocking. They, who I have offered the solidarity and comfort of my home have twisted my arm from the back when both of my legs have already been broken. They, who I have sheltered and sought to give help when they were in need have angered me and hence, now I am in a position where I question myself: was it worth it going all the way and out of your way for people who later shrugs it off and tells you that you are who you are, you have become what you've become, and the situation that you are now in is all because: You made the wrong choices. You chose to become like this. You put yourself in this situation and it is you, that is to be blamed for and you, and you alone need to sort yourself out.

I tell myself that I shall not be bitter, being bitten by them. After all, in times like these it helps to recall that there have always been times like these. People are capable of surprising you, no doubt about it. It makes you think though, how selfish people are. One day, they can tell you that they'll be there for you and the next day, they take back their words. Do you not think that the best way to keep your word is not to give it in the first place?. I do not expect sympathy. I do not even expect them to help, let alone offer to lend an ear to hear me out. In fact, I try to understand where they're coming from and the reasons behind what they've done. But there are some form of code of conduct for us to live with one another, to function as a society as a whole and where friendship is at stake: How can you forgive when one belittles the other? Of course, if you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. But if you make them really think, they will hate you. People don't respond well to negative comments and criticisms. I agree. You tell yourself that people should look into the mirror before passing out judgments about others. And you know that if people have time to talk about you ( not just as a passing remark but really condone about what you do and who and what you are) then you know that they don't really have much going on in their lives, that they have time to mind about other people's matters.

Am I fed up with the people in the world that I live in? Do I accept that each of us have our own flaws and act nonchalant, just shrug it off and let the whole thing slide? Should I really be bothered about this and just continue to not care and don't give a damn about those who don't give a damn about me either. Should I even be wasting my energy thinking about this? Or have I gone numb? I have come to a conclusion that -"The universe is not hostile, no yet is it friendly. It is simply indifferent."

Same old, same old. I rant, I scream. But then, I choose to believe that I have yet to lose hope and faith in people. I firmly believe that I may find people that are worthy of your time and conversations. I refuse to accept that it is rare to find myself in such circumstances. As I am still young, I will meet more people from different walks of life, interesting people and people who will intrigue me. I formed a resolve that there is a need to widen the parameters and radius of the world that I live in, to be out there and to seek opportunities to meet others who may be so different by appearance but intellectually and emotionally, we may find ourselves on the same or parallel wavelength. I want to believe and I will try to keep believing in people.

I guess at the end of the day, the saying: "What others think of us would be of little moment did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves" holds true. Even the song "They" by Jem can't seem to cheer me up.

Who made up all the rules
We follow them like fools
Believe them to be true
Don't care to think them through

And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

And it's ironic too
Coz what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way

And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this

Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss

Who are they
And where are they
And how do they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this

Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss

And who are they
And where are they
And how can they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

So much for trying to be an optimist. But hey, the nice part of being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

Signing off,
Sae

Believe in Fairy Tales

Dear Kai,

"A long time ago, in the underground realm, where there are no lies or pain, there lived a Princess who dreamed of the human world. She dreamed of blue skies, soft breeze, and sunshine. One day, eluding her keepers, the Princess escaped. Once outside, the brightness blinded her and erased every trace of the past from her memory. She forgot who she was and where she came from. Her body suffered cold, sickness, and pain. Eventually, she died. However, her father, the King, always knew that the Princess' soul would return, perhaps in another body, in another place, at another time. And he would wait for her, until he drew his last breath, until the world stopped turning."-'Pan' in Pan's Labyrinth

A film that is downright extraordinary. Brutal but beautiful, magical yet earthy. A story about a young girl and the fantasy world she created, to survive the harsh reality.This movie reminds me of how as a child, I used to dream a lot and make up stories and play the plot out like a movie in my head. My grandmother used to tell me that if I was playing by myself, she could hear me talking to myself playing different characters in different tone of voices which used to freak her out. She used to tell my mother that I should stop reading the books that I read because the stories feed my imagination and she worries that I may grow up living in fantasy land instead of accepting reality as it is as I enter into adulthood. To me, Pan's Labyrinth shows us how children immerse themselves in their own fairy tales as a form of escapism to survive the real world to which they are not prepared for. Now, as adults, we have forgotten this ability of ours when we were young - to make up stories as a means to release our stress and as a means to let ourselves dream away.. to believe in something other than the cruel harsh fate that descends upon us in our everyday lives where we keep reminding ourselves to 'reality check' or the dull, monotonous routine that we can't seem to run away from. As adults, we disregard the power of believing in something, the ability to dream: dismissing it as insignificant, just mindless and unnecessary thoughts that could not contribute to helping us solve our problems at hand.

Another movie that I expected to be a weird horror/supernatural thriller but turns out to be, well more of a fairy tale although it does have supernatural elements is Lady in the Water. The plot of the movie is based on a bedtime story M. Night Shyamalan wrote for his kids. The theme of "finding your purpose" definitely is poignant in this day and age and although the simple storyline may be too slow for some, this film is more for the introspective crowd and I love all the self reflexive humour as far as story structure goes. The storyline unravels itself in a fairy tale, connecting each character to their 'purpose' to the aim of the fairy tale. Each character plays out a role, contributing their efforts into producing an outcome.

In our modern day, we forget that we could use the form of fairy tales for various reasons. Fairy tales should not meant to be only conformed to bedtime stories that our parents read to us when we were children. We can examine the human condition from the simple framework a fairy tale provides. We can create a sense of fantasy in a contemporary light. I'm not saying that we should all start fantasizing and become dreamers. As we grow older, can we not seek joy in believing in fairy tales as a momentary relapse from reality? Don't we dare to dream anymore? Can we not restore hope and faith within the remits of negativity, stress, paranoia and too many doses of 'realistic' shots that we have set upon ourselves? Have we lost all senses of 'belief'?

To believe that there could be a 'happily ever after' or a happy ending may seem a far-fetched idea for most of us. We can never know what the future may hold for us. What we could look forward to is restoring hope and faith, not that our lives may turn out as-simple-as-like the fairy tales that we've read, watched or heard about but we could pick out the underlying features in each fairy tale and digest these 'lessons to be learned' not only at face value, but relate them in realistic terms. Believe in keeping it simple, that life comes down to enjoying the simple bits and pieces that we tend to overlook in a myriad of complexities that we face everyday. We can relate our problems and lay them out in a plot of a fairy tale to give it some 'boost' and shed some form of positive perspective in light of the problems. For example, in the movie Crash:there is a scene where the dad tells his daughter, a child so young who already stop believing in what we used to believe when we were kids (tooth fairies, santa clause and little monsters under your bed) a story to ease her mind about gunshots, an element of her reality check on the real world where she learns to acknowledge and accept them at such a young age. The dad told her that:
One day, a fairy came to see him...,"She had these little stubby wings, like she could've glued them on, you know, like I'm gonna believe she's a fairy. So she said, "I'll prove it." So she reaches into her backpack and pulls out this invisible cloak and she ties it around my neck. And she tells me that it's impenetrable. You know what impenetrable means? It means nothing can go through it. No bullets, nothing. She told me that if I wore it, nothing would hurt me. And I did. And my whole life, I never got shot, stabbed, nothing. I mean, how weird is that?".

Sometimes, we can tell ourselves that it's ok to make up stories so that we can believe in them if it results in a positive outcome. Why the long-winded story about fairy tales and believing in them? I, sometimes have this negative idea that we, men are alone in this world. Then, I learned that is not true. We are all connected. One act on one day can affect us all. According to Anais Nin, 'we don't see things as they are but rather as we are..'

Recently, one person has opened my eyes to other possibilities. He restored my sense of 'belief'. Since I met him, I've been trying to keep a positive perspective. I may have started believing in utter nonsense stories that my mind is excellent at making but at least, when I try to keep my mind open; it is possible for me to create a whole new world for myself. That said, maybe I should start on a 'negativity fast'. That's another story for another day.

Anyway, happy birthday to that 'Not-your-average-ape-man' who left quite a footprint in my life. Here's an inside joke for you:

(A scene from Lady in the Water)
[Harry Farber] : This is like a scene out of a horror movie.
"Hello? Is the bathroom on this level working? A dog inside the building! Go! Shoo! Why you're not a dog at all. My God, this is like a moment from a horror movie. This is precisely the moment where the mutation or beast will attempt to kill an unlikable side character. But, in stories where there has been no prior cursing, violence, nudity or death, such as in a family film, the unlikable character will escape his encounter, and be referenced later in the story, having learned valuable lessons. He may even be given a humorous moment to allow the audience to feel good about him. This is where I turn to run. You will leap for me, I will shut the door, and you will land a fraction of a second too late."
[Turns to run, is killed by wolf]

I'll leave you with a story on how a massive difference one small action can make. And how, even for a short while, how another's presence and perspective can affect one's own.

Signing off,
Sae

"A man was walking along a beach, reflecting on his life. he had always wanted to make a difference, but no matter what he tried, he wound up feeling as though he was spitting into the wind.
Suddenly, the man heard a loud 'crunch', and looked down at his feet. Right where he was standing, and for as far as the eye could see in either direction, there were thousands upon thousands of tiny starfish washed up onto the shore by the ocean and tide.
The man continued walking, thinking to himself about the apparent cruelty of the ocean. After all, those starfish hadn't done anything wrong! Yet before the day was done, they would be dead washed up on shore and left to die.
After a time, the man came across an old woman standing at the ocean's edge, throwing starfish that had washed up on shore back into the sea. When he asked her what she was doing, she said she had always wanted to make a difference, and she had decided that today was a good day to begin.
The man looked from her to the thousands upon thousands of starfish that lay dying along the coastline and said, 'For every starfish you throw back into the ocean, three more wash up onto the shore! How can you possibly be making a difference?
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment, then she picked up another starfish and threw it back into the sea. 'Made a difference to that one, 'she said and she smiled the most beautiful smile the man had ever seen."

A Stop For The Runaway Train?

Dear Kai,

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same

-Runaway Train by Soul Asylum

Compare and contrast: 2 girls, A and B comes from two different worlds. First met when they were 12 years old. They lived 2 minutes away from one another. 'A' was fair, black curly hair and a pretty face. 'B' had a face that looked like she was the young Princess of Froggy Land. They were different in many ways. Let's just say that they were polar opposites of one another, both physically and personality. 'A' usually don't get along with people who are opposites of her. But 'B' is an exception. They were not best friends but they remained close.

At the age of 18, they realised that their friendship was closer than they thought it would be. Mind you, 6 years have passed; being in different schools and going through different life experiences have brought them closer than ever. 'A' met a guy that 'B' detested, 'C'. Did 'A' listen to 'B's advice to stay away and not be friends with him? Nooooo..... Fast forward to another 6 years, 'A' and 'B' are all grown up. On this very day, 'A' is tying the knot to 'C'. On the other side of the continent, 'B' wishes that she could be there to share the happy day with 'A' and 'C'. They've been through a lot and 'B' had witnessed how they first started, how their friendship evolved into the love that they share and how both of them have triumphed over their ups and downs throughout the 6 years (well, OK- almost 6 years) that they have been through together.

'B' loves 'A' dearly. She could not have survived the summer of 2005 without 'A's help. 'B' has always looked up to 'A' and could not help but to wonder what 'A' sees in 'C'. Throughout the 6 years that 'A' and 'C' had been together, 'B' has always been and still is like a 'runaway train'. Whilst both of them remained true and loyal to each other (with a few hiccups here and there), 'B' has had real-life drama that is enough for the 3 of them to handle. Haha. They don't need a child, yet. 'B' is more like a child to them. And that is a lot to handle.

As 'B' finally realises that her best friend, 'A' is now a Missus.. she can't help but to wonder that all this time, 'A' had always been two steps behind her; offering support and consultation for free.. But now, she wonders if she could ever catch up to 'A' who is not 1 but 2 phases ahead in front of her in this lifetime. Maybe, it is time to stop the drama that the runaway train lives her life for, rushing by and through each platform without even thinking that maybe it is time to STOP and halt. Now, that 'B' is taking a breather, she knows finally what makes 'A' and 'C' click. A lot of time has passed, a lot of compromise and understanding has been laid down to build a solid foundation to what we call dating and a lot of trust, respect and insecurity issues have been dealt with before they could even consider that they were ready for the life-long commitment that they were looking for. 'C' as 'A' would call it, is an investment for the future, an investment where he is willing to commit to her and take care of her needs, willing to share a life together and willing to be that man for her. As a friend once told me, men are capable of cutting out their losses. If they see a girl as profitable (as an investment), they are more willing to keep the relationship and invest in that relationship. If however, the results are not as satisfactory or desirable; then they will figure out how to cut the losses. If all fails with that investment (the girl), then they will seek to eliminate the problem and invest elsewhere.

That's what I've learned from associating with bankers. Evaluate every angle. Analyse every aspect. Therefore, a relationship is an investment and marriage is a business worth investing depending on the relationship. 'B' being the runaway train just dives right into it without any analysis on how the outcome may be. As 07/07/07 is a brand new beginning for the Mr and Mrs, maybe it is a new beginning for 'B' to stop being the runaway train....
Start thinking before reacting!

Best wishes to the newly married couple.

Signing off,
Sae

Is Love Truly A Game?

Dear Kai,

Following the article that I've previously posted, I've decided to write this entry. Many perceive life itself as a game. That is why we have books such as Rules of Life, Rules of War and Rules of Power. I personally view life as a stageshow, be it a musical as the setting or a play that has the elements of drama, horror and comedy with us, people as actors; each playing its own role in the play. Some may not know that love also involves certain rules of a game. Some may say that love isn't like playing Starcraft, Warcraft, Pro-Evo or whatever that you, game addicts or game lovers like to get your hands on or more likely, your minds to tackle the intricacies of the mechanism of the game that you play. But others who are schemers themselves may beg to differ.

For me (although I am not a game player, myself), Love can actually be a game that requires greater precision and planning. In the dating game, after a first date - a guy should not call the girl straight away as he may be giving 'desperate' signals to the other. Or there is a so-called rule that the guy should call the girl within 3 days following the first date to show interest in arranging a second date with the girl. In love, there is a game of power; a manipulation of emotions to control the mind of the players in it. We can call love a game where when one who displays affection first to the other gives up total control in the dating game and therefore, it may seem that he/she goes around in that relationship like a dog on a collar or a leash. Other actions that may show-tell signs that one gives up his/her total control are: when you are the one that calls first and the other ALWAYS hangs up before you do. Or when both of you are together, you as the girl will ALWAYS run to him and come looking for him. Or when it comes to birthdays and anniversaries, you are ALWAYS the one remembering the dates and 'memories' and also the one giving gifts to him. Can this be you?

As the girl in the so-called love relationship, what are the consequences of giving up total contol in the relationship firsthand? What if we fall foul of the 10 mistakes women commonly make with men like in the article below? We may find ourselves dealing with the consequences of losing the game and being a victim of dating without self-respect. As a result, we may always find ourselves being treated like trash by men and the worst of it all, what if we end up growing old all by ourselves without A companion? OH Tidaaaaaaakkkkkkkk!!!! ( God forbid!). For some women, however a sceptic we may be; we tend to have glorified versions of the meaning of true love. Some may say, that it is like being hit in the heart by a bullet. Ouch! (not for me..) The general view is that true love, ok - let's omit the word 'true' here. Love may come to a meaning as to sharing your hearts, companionship so that we are not lonely and to be warm, happy and fuzzy-like. That sort of a thing. Therefore, some of us can say:
What's wrong with admitting that I Love him?
What's wrong with calling or wanting to see him because I am worried?
What's wrong with wanting to do EVERYTHING for him?

Those of us who have learnt the rules of the game in love may say:
'Love, romance sounds great when you're young. But later, we learn that money is love and money is romance'. AND when all is lost due to our ignorance or lack of knowledge with regards to the rules of the game, we are now seeking to regain the self respect that we have lost and instead of looking for the one, true love - we are looking for a love without losing our self respect. Are men right in saying that at times, women are at fault that things or the situation turned out the way it did? Did we, as women did not know how to play the game with our minds and wit to secure the man, pique his interest and remain some parts of ourselves mysterious in order to keep them on their toes and play the guessing game on figuring us out throughout the whole duration of the relationship? If so, were we at fault when men feel suffocated by us for not giving them space? Or being too nice to them 'til we've become boring and make them go astray? Or were we too overwhelming in giving our love and affection? Hence, when we relate this to ourselves, we think - 'Am I not worthy of any man's love?' when we should be thinking that these men just weren't the right men for us.
So, how do we play by the rules of the game in love? To play by the rules of the dating game? To ensure that it is not our fault this time if this relationship fails? How do we bring them down to their knees for them to beg us to stay?

Some pointers (but don't quote me on this!) :
Don't always be available. Don't always pick up his calls. If he really wants to see you then he will call you until you answer.
Don't pay on dates. Make him pay. Although in 'A lot like love', don't always assume that he will pay and at least make a reach for your purse or a slight gesture. Haha
All these smiles, compliments and gestures that you are giving out to him are only feeding on his ego. If he already has a big ego, you need to deflate it with some shock therapy and you get the upperhand.
Having sex so early on while you're dating is like handing him the control of the game. When you have sex, as women - all feelings go mushy and your logic goes out of the window.
Hence, if you want to be treated as a queen, then act like one. How you train your opponent is really up to you.

No pain, no gain right? Manipulation in playing the game can be fun and thrillingly, exciting at first but sometimes, it can get tiring and kinda hard to maintain the level where you must always be ahead in the game so that you can proceed to the next level. Sometimes, I think to myself: What if with manipulating people, we lose the pleasure of an honest conversation? Why use manipulation if we can't discover one's true feelings? Can we truly be happy in that sort of a relationship? Is Love truly a game, then? In order to play and abide by the rules of the game, we may find ourselves in a dilemma of internal conflict of emotions. Past experiences, our ego and our logical, rationale thinking tells us that we should play the game. As women, no matter how we try to act using our minds; our actions are always controlled by the matters of the heart and when it comes to that, we can never win.
The matters that we consider can be:
Instead of calculating on what is my next move, I want to be honest.
Instead of receiving one end of the guy's persistence to find the key to the locked gates of my heart, I want to give.
Instead of hiding them, I want to let him know and let out all of my feelings.
AND I want to be that Pleasure Bunny ( not in an erotic sense!) that makes him happy. Not the one that nags, whines, complains and brings him down when he's feeling low, but the one whom he comes home to happily because I (tak banyak songeh , not easy kay!!) just don't make life a miserable living hell-hole for him. And it makes me happy when he's all smiles.

Are we still in the game then? Or is it GAME OVER for me now?
One thing for sure, just for the sake of playing the game; I don't want to be the girl that you see who is ANYTHING but a happy person just because I am playing the game regardless on whether I'm on top of my game or what the score may be.

Signing off,
Sae

A WORD OF ADVICE - In playing the game, bear this in mind:
"Words do not always express one's feelings. Read the eyes. People can lie with their words but not with their eyes.."

Does this interest you?

Dear Kai,
This is some random article from a man's perspective that I found over the internet. I have a post following this article and you can understand why I've posted this article for you to read.

10 Mistakes Women Make With Men - "The Ten Most Dangerous Mistakes YOU Probably Make With Men. And What To Do About It...”

Here Are The Top Ten Reasons Why Women Keep Themselves From Living The Love Life Of Their Dreams— And How To Make Sure You Avoid Every One Of Them...

MISTAKE #1: Betting Your Love Life On His “Potential”
Do you know any women who want the man they're dating to behave differently? Of course you do. And just like me, I'm sure you have friends who date guys who don't have much going for them or who don't treat them very well. Somehow these women always have an excuse for the guy's shortcomings.

What's going on here? It's actually very simple.Women (and men) don't base their choices of men on how “nice” or “good” someone is to them day-to-day. Women choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them.

And guess what? Some women will continue to put up with a guy that doesn't treat them very well. Sometimes for months or years...But why in the world would a woman do that!?
Well, to put it simply, they confuse the strong attraction they feel for the guy with a deeper “connection”. Women who do this are doomed to end up in failed relationships with the “wrong” guys.

How do I know? Because I've seen it at least a hundred times...And because I've been this guy in the past myself. Thinking back on past dating and relationships I've had, I was selfish and didn't offer much. I'm amazed that these women put up with me. But they did...all the while hoping that I would somehow change. The women I dated hoped I'd change. The only thing they saw in me that led them to want to keep me around was the “potential” they saw in me to share my feelings and communicate with them. The potential for something better and the potential for me to change and be a better lover, boyfriend, companion or whatever...The truth was, I was hopelessly bad at these things at the time.

And more importantly, I wasn't even at a place in my life where I knew how to or was interested in developing a deep and committed relationship - with ANYONE. But deep down these women believed that if they tried hard enough, that it would make up for what was lacking. They believed that I could become someone else with them.... and that this would be easy for us both. Talk about a losing battle. It doesn't make a lot of “logical” sense... But until you accept that lots of women do this AND that YOU could be doing it on some level, you'll NEVER have the success with men that you choose and want.

MISTAKE #2: Assuming You “Get” Men & Their Psychology
Men are different from women. You need to accept this fact, and deal with it. When a woman sees a man, she can very quickly pick apart certain things about his style, body language, status and character that will tell her all kinds of things about him. Lots of women don't even consciously see that they do this because the process is so obvious and simple for them.

But does the same apply for men? As you probably already know, men are generally more visual. As a result, they often don't understand non-verbal communication as well as women. And men often lack what women have in emotional awareness and “intuition”. Women don't seem to remember this about men.

So do men feel sexually attracted to w0men based just on looks? Or is something else going on? Well, after studying this topic for years now, and talking to thousands of men and women, I can tell you that men have their “attraction mechanisms” triggered by things OTHER than looks. Especially when it comes to longer term relationships. Looks just happen to be the most obvious way... But looks are NOT the most powerful.

If you know how to use your body language AND communication correctly, you can make men feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see that hot, great looking guy that you got to know. But it's not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this. And ANY woman can learn how...

MISTAKE #3: Pretending To Be Something For A Man
In the desire to please a man, women are constantly doing things to get a man's attention, to get him to like them or to make him more attracted or in love with them. Another HORRIBLE idea. Lots of women mistakenly think that doing unusual things to try and get a guys attention will make him magically see what a great catch they are and want to be with them.

Wrong. Men YOU TRULY WANT are never attracted to the types of women who kiss up to them, make weak plays for affection or complain to get what they want... EVER. Don't get me wrong here. Things like being sexy for a man or encouraging him to share his feelings can be good, but it has to be genuine, unselfish, and most of all timely.

You don't have to act like an “easy” woman for men to like you, and you certainly don't have to play like he's some gift to the Earth. Doing these things actually works to subtly, at a subconscious level, lower your social status with a man, which has EVERYTHING to do with how he sees you as a woman. So if you think that making him more attracted to you means “playing to the man's fantasies” from the start, think again. You'll never succeed by looking for a man's approval, finding your way into his heart through sex and not being yourself.

MISTAKE #4: Sharing How You “Feel” Too Early With Him
Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most women make with men is sharing how they “feel” too early on.
Listen...
Attractive, single, successful men are rare. They get a LOT of attention from women. Most women don't realize this, but attractive men are being approached in one way or another all the time by women. And guess what? Attractive men have usually dated a lot of women. That's right. They have EXPERIENCE. They know what to expect.

And one thing that turns an attractive man off and sends him running away faster than just about anything... It's a woman who starts saying “You know, I really, REALLY like you” after one or two dates. This signals to the man that you're just like one of those “clingy” stereotype women who want to rush into a relationship and can't control yourself from wanting a man to fulfill them and complete their lives. This does NOT spell ATTRACTION for a man.
Don't do it. Lean back. Relax. There's a much better way...

MISTAKE #5: Misreading The Important “Signals” That Men Send
Men are constantly communicating how they feel about a woman and giving away big secrets about themselves. Most women don't pay attention to these signals or recognize them for what they really are.
The signals men send have 4 main levels:
1) Social: Where the man is at in his own life - stability, confidence, direction
2) Emotional: Whether or not he's “emotionally available”
3) Physical: If he's attracted to you... and for what reasons
4) Love State: If he's open to building and growing a relationship in the future
The funny thing is that men send signals in these areas completely by accident. That's great news to women... Men can't help it! You need to learn to recognise these signals to get anywhere serious with a man.

MISTAKE #6: Relying On Your Natural Ability To Judge A Man's Character
People aren't easy to figure out. Especially men. The last several years of my life I've spent hundreds of hours learning to understand people. I've studied peoples behaviour, “inner psychology” and more specifically how they think and act when they're dating.

From what I've seen, both men and women have their own secret ways of saying things. But you can only see these secret communications if you know what to look for. Women communicate with hints, body language, sarcasm, and flirting when they're first getting to know a man. They can either directly or indirectly let men know if they're open to something more serious.

Men are different. Men generally communicate with sarcasm, humour, cockiness and other “indirect” displays of status. VERY RARELY will a man be able to honestly communicate to a woman whether or not he's ready or capable of developing a meaningful relationship.

Aside from their sexual interests, men send very indirect signals about where they're at. If you don't know how to read through the signals men send, then you'll get the wrong message. Getting the wrong messages from men causes women more pain and heartache than any other issue around. You can avoid this pain if you learn to identify a good man from a bad one.

MISTAKE #7: Expecting A Relationship To Make You Happy
A mistake I've seen women make is thinking a guy will change her life and make her happy and fulfilled. And sure, there are situations and relationships where this happens. But those are the exceptions, not the rule. Nothing says “Run!” to a man faster than hearing or sensing that a woman immediately wants him to take care of her.

And the men who ARE looking for this kind of situation aren't exactly the most healthy, loving, nurturing people out there. Think, “controlling, macho, or serious Mom Issues!” So let me be clear...I think it's important that people help fulfill each other in their lives, whether it's dating, a relationship, whatever. But if a woman communicates that she's looking for a guy to take care of her, complete her, make her whole, and all that kind of stuff - it has a VERY negative effect on what the man will think of her. It doesn't have to be spoken by the woman either... If a woman thinks or feels this way, the man will see it and pick up on it, regardless. This is arguably the worst thing a woman can do early on when dating a man.

So what can you do as a woman?You can get the man interested and involved in your life in a more “natural” way, where he'll be motivated to make you care about your happiness and fulfillment on his own. This is the only way it really works for people - male or female. Self-motivation is much stronger than external motivation. But you have to know how to create this situation with a man... and it rarely happens by accident.

MISTAKE #8: Trying To “Convince” Him To Like You Or Love You
What do most women do when they meet a man that they REALLY like... but he's just not that interested or isn't as serious? Right! They try to “convince” the man to feel differently.
Well, I have news for you...

YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A MAN “FEELS” WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION! Never, ever, ever. You cannot convince a man to feel differently about you with “logic and reasoning”. Think about it. If a man doesn't “feel it” for you, how in the world do you expect to change that by being “reasonable” with him?

But we all do it. Men are the worst at this by the way. They're always complimenting women who don't like them and buying them gifts. Women like the behaviour sometimes, but it NEVER makes the woman like the man. She might enjoy what she gets out of it, but it doesn't change the way she FEELS about him. When a man just isn't interested, women will try and chase, compliment, convince and do their best to change his mind with logical and rational approaches. Bad idea. Another one that will never work.

MISTAKE #9: Not Knowing What To Do In Each Type Of Situation
A man has a clear idea of what he wants from a woman...
And I don't mean just sex. I know, it might be hard to believe, but if you're out on a date with a man, he already has an idea of what he wants from you. And if you don't know HOW to find this out, and you just sit there looking at him and flirting, or trying things you think will make him want you, he won't help! If you don't know what to do in each situation, you'll probably screw it up... and LOSE EVERYTHING.

MISTAKE #10: Not Getting Help
This is the biggest mistake of all. This mistake keeps women from EVER having the kind of success and finding the kind of man and relationship that they truly want. I know, you don't like to make yourself look weak or helpless. We usually don't like to ask for help.

***I am not the author of this article. Haha. Personally, I think MISTAKE #10 should be: REPEATING ALL OF THE ABOVE, AGAIN..and NOT LEARNING FROM YOUR MISTAKES!
Kai, DO you, as a MAN agree to this ARTICLE?! Haha.

Signing off,
Sae

The Story of LiLo the Cat

Dear Kai,

There was once, lived a cat called Lilo. Fat, furry and lazy cat filled with love from those around her. She lived a happy, simple life. Eat, sleep, eat and well, sleep were her two most favourite things. She had no other reason for her existence but to live her life simply with content - except when she is hungry, she will try her very best to get things done her way: meow-ing and purr-ing 'til she is fed with her favourite food and being stroked and petted gently 'til she falls asleep. Enough to say, that Lilo was a Princess in her own right.

One day, she thought to herself that maybe, maybe somehow there must be better food, better sofas (comfy ones, to say the least) and better owners out there. So, she decided on her own to leave her current owner's place, seeking a better world befitting for a Princess-y cat like her. The other cats in her neighbourhood called her arrogant, foolish and ungrateful. But Lilo knew, that if she stayed at her current owner's place far too long, she herself may be complacent and before she grows any fatter 'til she can barely walk from the lounge to the kitchen, she should take the opportunity to leave while she can. And so, off she went..seeking what the world has to offer for a fat and lazy cat like her.

She walked far, as far as her little legs could carry her. She saw other cats like her, different shapes, different sizes and different characters. They may all be from the same feline family but they all had a different smell to them. She then, arrived at a huge city filled with a myriad of different kind of smells amidst the humans, animals and streets that composed the labyrinth of the huge City. There, she knew the meaning of life where only the fittest would survive - each cat to its own where there is neglect to co-operate with one another, each one fighting each other with one aim in mind: striving to find food to live in order to survive in this huge, merciless City.

Boy, she could hardly remember the comfort of her old home. How simple life was then. How life treated her better in that tiny world of hers. As a cat, Lilo would find herself attached to anyone who would offer her the comfort of their own home, their persistance of wanting to take her in to take care of her and their adamant self satisfying need to feed her. Like any cat, she would follow the lead of the one who insists on feeding her. After all, food makes a once-fat-but-now-not-so-fat cat grin happily that would beat a Cheshire Cat's smile hands-down. Nevertheless, each time when Lilo finds herself happy to be with a new owner; she finds herself at a new strange place where like previous owners she had been abandoned once again under the frightening street lamps at an unknown street to her. She waits and she waits for her owners to come and find her. Lilo thought to herself, maybe they have forgotten about her and maybe it was not their intention to abandon her. And so, she waits..

As for most nights since she came to this City, Lilo had the same recurring dream while sleeping between two garbage cans after a fulfilling meal, courtesy of that nice old man who owns a restaurant nearby. In her dream, Lilo finds herself in a huge field of tall grass. She walks and she walks until she finds herself in front of a path forked into two directions. Most nights, she would take the road leading to her right and she finds herself lost in the mountains, not being able to reach to the top. But tonight, she decided to take the road heading towards the left. She finds a wide lake in front of her, calm with still waters. Lilo had always been afraid of water. Although she used to pride herself in looking good for her owners, and hence she would clean herself regularly and try her best to be obedient when her owners force her to take those dreadful baths; she had always been afraid of baths, open waters (and alike) and the lake, to her- looked as if it could swallow her in with its dauntingly dark aura. She tried to touch the water with her tiny paw. Small ripples apear on the surface of the water. She looked into her reflection beneath the ripples and she saw how sad her eyes looked. In an instant, her eyes changed into eyes filled with utter venom and in a few minutes, her eyes became crystal clear..filled with innocence.

From that night onwards, Lilo kept having dreams about her standing by the side of the lake, looking at her own reflection. Her eyes seem to change as the ray of moonlight spill and cast its shadows over the stillness of water in the lake. Every night, it seems as if she is caught under a spell, unable to move, paralysed by the frightening fact that she no longer know whose eyes her reflection seems to belong to. Lilo did try her very best, each night moving an inch closer to the lake because she knows that she needs to overcome her fear and fright of water in order for her to discover what holds for her on the other side of the lake. She fears in despair that the ripples may swallow her in and with shock, she may not be able to remember how to swim and she shall drown into the unknown depths of the lake.

And therefore, she waits.. In her dream, she waits for a boat to come along, and help her to cross over the lake. In reality, she also waits with hope for a boat to come with a new owner, reaching out to her, extending an arm to take her in and care for her. She also waits for the people who have abandoned her previously so that she could ask them why, to understand their reasons for doing so. As reality and dreams become intertwined...
Lilo still waits.....hoping and waiting, but she still waits...

Kai, there may be no ending to this story. For all I know, in the story of Lilo the Cat, Lilo keeps waiting for her fear of water to cease and hoping that her wish that someone will take her in will come true...

To Lilo, this waiting period is like waiting for an Indian Summer - as Autumn arrives, there is a brief period of warmth; the last of Summer's warm breeze before a long stretch of cold months of Winter awaits. This is an Indian Summer and so, to speak: the Indian Summer that Lilo is looking for is a form of a brief period of warmth and happiness after a long-term of pain and suffering.

Signing off,
Sae

-I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.-

Being Self Reliant

Dear Kai,

It's been awhile.. Here is an extract of a note, a friend once gave me..

"Sometimes you have to take a chance to be happy, Sae.
You need to have faith in yourself. You need to be confident enough that you've got the strength of character to the little voice inside you, the one that's whispering the real causes of your loneliness. Once you can understand why you're feeling so lonely, you can decide what you want to do about it.
The mere fact that you've had the courage to make a decision will instantly make you feel less alone. Because by doing so, you will discover one friend that will never leave you lonely..
YOURSELF."

Therefore, feeling lonely isn't really a bad thing, huh?

"Happiness is not a result - it's a state of mind and body..
The secret of being happy is not doing what one likes but liking what one does..."

To develop one's self reliance and belief in one's self: I might have to go through a bit of solitude to find someonelse who I'll feel a lot less lonely with - my own company. :)

Signing off,
Sae

Lost in Transition

Dear Kai,

"There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
If it seems like I'm shining brightly
It's probably a reflection of something you already are
I forget about myself sometime
When there's so many other around
When deep inside you feel the darkest
That is where I can always be found
That is where I can always be found
That is where I can always be found

Just keep trying and trying
It's just a matter of timing
Though the grinding is tiring
Don't let 'em stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner or later you'll find it
It's surprising how inspiring
It is to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all i can see
and you sure look like a star to me

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
If you try to reach out an touch me
you'll see that I'm not really that far
I may not be the brightest nor am I the last one you’ll see
But as long as you notice, that’s just fine with me
Everything’s just fine with me
Everything’s just fine with me

Just keep trying and trying
It's just a matter of timing
Though the grinding is tiring
Don't let 'em stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner or later you'll find it
It's surprising how inspiring
It is to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all i can see
and you sure look like a star to me"....
-Kelis ft Cee Lo 'Lil Star'-

A friend said this song reminded him of me. Another friend also once consoled me, telling me that when you're unhappy, everything to you seems to be taking a wrong turn. It's been almost a year and I find myself in the same sticky spot that I keep getting myself into. Is it because I am greedy? Or is it because I expect a lot from myself? Or have I always been ungrateful?

Why can't I see what others have seen in me? Or do I only take in the negativity thoughts that have been thrown me and tainted the person I see everyday when I look into the mirror. When I see my reflection, I wish to see another me. Another person, in a different place in a different time - a person who has come terms with herself, a person who is smiling at herself because she is contented and happy with herself, the life that she is living and the things that she is looking forward to. Like how Aniki would say, acceptance is the key word here. Accepting and embracing that this person that you're looking at and the life that you are living is what makes who you are.

I am almost at the end of my journey. A journey with endless endurance of pain and suffering. Some may say that it is not the destination that counts but the journey that leads you to your destination. The twists and turns that you take define who you've become on your way on who you want to be. The best part of growing up? - Aniki would ask me again and he replies by telling me that maybe in a few months or years from now, when you look back at the time when life may be most difficult for you: financially, emotionally, or life itself has been exerted to the point of exhaustion; you'll be able to understand the 'why's, 'how's and the thoughts and whiny-ness that comes along as the knock-on effects are no longer important and you'll accept that you have come a very long way from the point that you've initially started and THAT journey has thought you to be more aware and well-more equipped to face what life throws at you.

Call it as you see it: being stuck in a rut where nothing goes your way, being just 'lost' as you have to wait patiently being stuck in a place and time where you've left that phase of life and you are waiting for that delayed fuckin' flight to embark on your journey into the next phase of life -OR- it may be a quarter or a one-third life crisis that you're going through but some may find that it comes earlier to them and maybe later to others. Is it better to go through difficulties when you're young and at a tender age, not understanding what to do next and at a time when you're still young enough to make mistakes and learn from them or will it be more of a shock to you to go through this phase of 'everything's shite' at a time when you're older and you thought you've got it all figured out at a later stage in your life?

Then, what have you got to do while you're being stuck and lost in this transition phase/period? You keep trying, you keep going and you keep running as it is only a matter of time. Where do you head to? Which direction do you run to? With all these thoughts that requires Big decisions, you can't help feeling helpless and the irrepressible restlessness makes you squirm in your seats and you toss and turn in bed wasting all those energy and hours of sleeping time trying to concoct a plan that could make life work for you because you just feel paralysed for the longest time, unable to move intuitively or unable to aim - to hit the tennis balls that are thrown to you into the court without someone screaming OUT or FOUL! For a person who always has a plan. For a person who could always see the goal. For a person who knew what she wanted at the age of 16. And most of all, for a person who hates waiting and hates the fucking word of 'acceptance' and has this untappable well of desires; SHE who asserts that she wants everything to happen according to the plan NOW: this transition period is just pure torture.

Remain calm and patient? Moi?!

I'm just going to keep singing that 'I am just a lil star'. Yes, Aniki..I am TRYING to work on the railroad. And, yes..I will continue to find passion in living the life that I'm just terribly bad at leading. But Kai, I will remain to see that other person in the mirror, not only because I want life to change for myself, not only because I want to be un-stuck, escape reality or wanting to get out of this life.. it's because I am that person - I just haven't fully and wholly developed into that person yet. The time will come. I accept that. I just HAVE to be patient..

Signing off,
The Tortured Soul - Sae

Big Girls Don't Cry

Dear Kai,

It's time to be a Big Girl now...



Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
Ill be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if u want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

La Da Da Da Da Da

P/S: Peter Petrelli.. Love him :)

Oh yeah, I used to think of the cliche' phrase," It's not you, it's me" to justify myself. No longer holding on to that. Toast to change for the singletons out there. The new mantra is, " It's not me, it's YOU."

Signing off,
Sae